Gehenna: The Musical
by SOI Now
Summary: Portraying Gehenna and other significant Vampire events... As a musical extravaganza! Originally posted at the White Wolf forums by me. Completed.
1. Prelude 1: Easier Than You Think

  
**"EASIER THAN YOU THINK" **   
or "The Birth of Clan Tremere"  
  
_Tremere is sitting in his study, looking gloomy. Etrius and Goratrix are standing in front of him. Tremere starts to sing in a sad tone_  
  
TREMERE:  
Magic is waning, I guess we are screwed  
And even a guy who's as wily and shrewd  
as I must confess  
it's a horrible mess  
Can nobody lighten my mood?  
  
_Etrius brightens up_  
  
ETRIUS:  
Fear thee not master, for I have good news:  
I've found a lot of good demons to use!  
  
TREMERE:  
We tried them all, Swede  
They're not what we need!  
  
ETRIUS & TREMERE: _(in a defeated tone)_  
Is our house destined to lose?  
  
_Goratrix jumps in with a HUGE grin and maniacal handwaving, as the melody becomes more upbeat and the chorus kicks in_  
  
GORATRIX:  
It really is much easier than you think  
I have found the perfect solution  
It really is much easier than you think  
_(Glares at Etrius who glares back)_  
And this one is not an illusion  
Vampires sure are strong  
And their powers carry on  
So let's go take a long deep drink  
It really is much easier than you thii-iink!  
  
_Goratrix does the "jazz hands" and a slower tempo resumes_  
  
_Etrius starts to circle Goratrix, looking worried_  
  
ETRIUS:  
'Trix must be joking, he sure has some balls   
_(Goratrix flinches)_  
What if we lose our immortal souls?  
  
_Tremere stands up and spreads his arms_  
  
TREMERE  
Shut up, it sounds great  
If it's not too late  
All seven, go into his halls!  
  
_Change of scenery into Goratix's chamber, where Tremere and his Inner Circle have circled a bound and gagged Tzimisce. They dance around it menacingly, waving really cheesy wands and looking more like Harry Potter wizards than evil medieval warlocks_  
  
TREMERE AND INNER CIRCLE:  
It really is much easier than you think  
We'll simply steal your vampiric powers  
It really is much easier than you think  
True Magick's not just puppies and flowers  
With our ritual by 'Trix  
We'll get some major kicks  
And we'll be skating in the undead rink  
It really is much easier than you thii-iink!  
  
_There's a huge flash and a puff of pink smoke. When the smoke clears everyone looks much paler and kind of surprised_  
  
ETRIUS: _(in a voice seething sarcasm)_  
Look at us now 'Trix, this is really swell  
I guess this shit means that we're going to hell.  
And other vamps hate us  
They'll simply filet us  
What can we do now, pray tell?  
  
_Tremere launches in to the C-part of the song while patting Etrius on the back with one hand and grabbing Meerlinda's butt with the other._  
  
TREMERE:  
Cement our place as a clan  
If others can do it we can  
And I have a brilliant plan  
  
_Cue a montage in which various members of Clan Tremere diablerize lots of different vamps. Tremere keeps singing on the background the whole time_  
  
TREMERE:  
The powerful ones we shall seek  
From their havens so lonely and bleak  
Without that old blood we'll be weak  
  
_Last scene in the montage is the diablerie of Saulot, during which Tremere sings:_  
  
TREMERE:  
The best I have saved for the last  
Our destiny approaches fast  
_(A Grinch-esque grin spreads on his face)_  
And Salubri... belong in the past  
  
_With that he diablerizes Saulot while Etrius and Goratrix wave lighters in the air and go: "Aa-aah, Aa-aah"_  
  
TREMERE:_(Spoken)_  
It is done.  
  
_Tremere and Goratrix leave the haven, taking dance-steps and humming 'Easier than you think' cheerily. Etrius stands alone looking at Saulot's ashes. The chorus tone starts to play, much sadder and slower than before._  
  
ETRIUS:  
It really must be easier than I think  
And now we have the power and the might  
It really must be easier than I think  
But somehow this small scheme just isn't right  
When Tremere took his blood  
He didn't fight quite as he should  
And I saw his third eye ominously wink!  
  
_Shocked silence for a second, and then, with great anguish and passion:_  
  
Oh could it be?  
God, tell me could it be?  
It's really not as easy as they thii-ii-iink?  
  
_Fade to black, then a giant text:   
**"GEHENNA: THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"**_   
  



	2. Prelude 2: The Crossover Rap

**THE CROSSOVER RAP **  
or "Why Gehenna: The Musical WON'T be a crossover"  
  
_Your typical dark parking lot. Four people have gathered in a circle: A fat black guy with a "Black Spiral Breakdancers" T-shirt, who is standing next to a huge ghettoblaster; a woman in a stylish black suit, wearing sunglasses and a high-tech earpiece; an elderly gentleman who looks like a psychology professor; and someone only faintly resembling a human, whose skin moves and bulges constantly. There are "WoD: Gypsies"-posters on the walls. Somewhere, a dog barks._  
  
_The black guy begins to talk_  
  
BLACK GUY  
I am a conduit of the Wyrm. As you all know, the Time of Judgment approaches fast. We need to lay down some ground rules on how we'll take it on. First, let's see who we have here: A high-ranking Technocrat _(the woman nods impatiently)_, the esteemed Dauntain professor Anton Stark _(the old man rolls his eyes)_ and, of course Belial, the Great Beast _(the posessed thrall gibbers'KillLuciferHateLuciferKillKillKill')_. We need to prevent Gehenna from becoming a turf war. So I just want to say...  
  
_The Wyrm kicks his ghettoblaster on and a heavy beat fills the air_  
  
WYRM  
I gots the banes and I gots the Zmei  
They fry any mutha that gets in my way  
So c'mon punks just make my day  
and pull your shit so I can blast you away  
Join my ranks of Fomori  
Embrace this endless entropy!  
  
_The Wyrm folds his hands and starts nodding to the beat_  
  
_The Technocrat waves her hand dismissively_  
  
TECHNOCRAT  
Ya sure keep talkin' but have no chance  
Full of big words but just no stance  
'Crats pack the heat, yo, 'Crats make the plans  
Ain't havin' no reality de-vi-ance!  
Cross us, Wyrm, ya stupid mook  
And we will use our spirit nuke!  
  
_She makes some inscrutable techocratic gang sign with her hands_  
  
_Stark jumps in the middle of the circle and makes some pretty damn amazing dance moves for such an old geezer. Then he resumes his position, with a 'top THAT' expression on his face._  
  
STARK  
This ain't really happenin'  
Y'all are dreams that kids let in  
Delusional and it's a sin  
So grow up fast or you won't win  
Wake up now: that's doctor's orders  
Reality has simple borders.  
  
_The Wyrm looks dismayed, this isn't going at all as he had planned._  
  
WYRM  
C'mon, dogs, just chill a bit  
Don't swarm me like a Garou hit  
Once I digged the 'balance' groove  
Destroyed the old, made way for new  
But this bitch Weaver hit me low  
I don't take shit from any ho  
The beat of cor-rup-tion plays phat  
C'mon my Belle, show'em where it's at!  
  
_Belial's mind-bending voice pierces the air_  
  
BELIAL  
A B-S dancer, who's a Thrall to me,  
cybernetically oozing with banali-tee  
Is just one possi-bility  
Stick with us, and you will see  
We'll be the scourge of Morningstar  
And... _(Starts to imagine a banal cyber-Dancer thrall molesting Lucifer. Then realizes everyone is looking and promptly delivers the last line:)_   
umm... And I'm an evil god. Grr... Argh!  
  
_Everyone has an acute nosebleed from Belial's voice. The Technocrat doesn't look pleased._  
  
TECHNOCRAT  
B-S is right, if it means BULLSHIT  
You really thought we'd fall for it?  
Our duty is to shield the Masses  
But you just wanna fry their asses  
It is clear: you can't be trusted  
And guess what? Yo ass is busted!  
  
_She pulls a gun and points it sideways in the Wyrms face._  
  
_Stark sidesteps next to the Technocrat, and puts a hand on her shoulder. He waves the other hand furiously at the Wyrm._  
  
STARK  
This bitch is right man, that is whack  
Now tell me please: who smoked that crack?  
Take my advice and keep it real  
And MAYBE we can cut a deal  
So stifle your imaginations  
Use cold logic and equations!  
  
_The Wyrm looks angry_  
  
WYRM  
I was called here in good faith  
To join a cruci-al debate  
But all I see is bickering  
My altruism is wearing thin  
So shut up and behave, my dear  
It wasn't me who asked you here!  
  
_Belial is getting bored (as usual) and decides to go Apocalyptic. He then looms over everyone and roars:_  
  
BELIAL  
UPON YOUR SOULS I NOW SHALL FEAST  
FOR NONE CAN MATCH THE MIGHTY BEAST...  
_(Realizes something, morphs back, looks at the Wyrm)_  
But rewind just a tiny bit  
You didn't call us? Then...  
  
VOICE  
I did.  
  
_Everyone turns to look and is horrified to see... God45! The Wayward Hunter is standing only few footsteps away, wrapped in plastic explosives and a detonator in hand!_  
  
GOD45  
You took crossovers way too far  
A factor of chaos is what they are  
Your dirty secrets I'll purify  
'Coz they make baby Jesus cry  
This nightly circus I will end  
And back to hell all'y'all send  
I see you suckas took my bait  
Now suffer Mr. Ashtray's fate!  
...Cremate!  
  
_He leaps at the conspirators, but then realizes he doesn't have Cremate. He promptly detonates himself. Explosions. Bloodshed. Dismemberment. General unpleasantness. When the smoke clears, everyone save the Wyrm and Belial lies dead._  
  
WYRM  
Hot damn, my man, we were easily halted _(groan)_  
  
BELIAL  
Shoulda paged the super-gods from Exalted!  
  
_They flee from their charred temporary vessels_  
  
_Somewhere in the distance Osiris and a Kuei-jin Bodhisattva observe the destruction_  
  
OSIRIS  
Exalted. Yeah right, like THAT has anything to do with the World of Darkness.  
  
KUEI-JIN  
Well, actually...  
  
OSIRIS  
Say "parallel histories" and I'll wreak Ma'at imbalance on your ass, Buddha-boy! Anyway, it seems I was right. It was a trap.  
  
KUEI-JIN  
Indeed. Thank the ancestors we usually avoid crossovers anyway.  
  
OSIRIS  
Yep. Bad for the cycle. And I see the Orpheus Group didn't even deign to show up. Lucky bastards.  
  
KUEI-JIN  
Orpheus who?  
  
OSIRIS  
Exactly.  
  
_The start walking away. The Kuei-jin suddenly remembers something_  
  
KUEI-JIN  
Oz, wait a minute. About this... Orpheus.   
  
OSIRIS  
Yeah?  
  
KUEI-JIN  
Is it the new Wraith?  
  
_A grave silence. Then..._  
  
KUEI-JIN  
OW! Stop it!  
  
_Fade to black. Giant text appears:_  
**"GEHENNA THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"**  
  


  
  
_And now for a little extra, the idea for which was swiped from MaxusDarte (Thanks Maxus!):_  
  
Lexicon for the Crossover Rap, SOI-style:  
(Seeing as how this is a crossover-heavy piece, I felt obliged to write this. Maybe half of it is actually useful)  
  
APOCALYPTIC, GO - What demons do to get their groove on. Think Vicissitude 4, only cooler.  
  
ASHTRAY, MR. - Samuel Haight. If you don't know who that is, bless you. (see ->cry, make baby jesus)  
  
BANALITY - Faerie kryptonite.  
  
BANE - An evil spirit.  
  
BELIAL - A huge demon god. Fixated on destroying Lucifer, God, and everything.  
  
BODHISATTVA - A Kue-jin antediluvian. Execpt they're nice. And didn't really sire any clans. Damn powerful, though. (See ->kuei-Jin)  
  
CIRCUS, NIGHTLY - Midnight Circus. (See ->crack, smoking ->cry, make baby jesus)  
  
CRACK, SMOKING - An action that, when performed by a WW writer results in a crossover and/or an inexcplicable and highly amusing storyline.  
  
CREMATE - Badass 5th level hunter edge. According to popular opinion the only thing that Tzimisce fears.  
  
CRY, MAKE BABY JESUS - As in: "Most crossovers are made with the the purpose to..."  
  
DAUNTAIN - Anti-Fae.  
  
DANCER, BLACK SPIRAL - Evil werewolf tribe.  
  
EXALTED - Before the World of Darkness, apparently there was something else. What, no-one knows. In any case, it sure wasn't Exalted. No sir. I don't care how much sense it would make.  
  
FACTOR OF CHAOS - Chaos Factor. (See ->ashtray, mr. ->crack, smoking ->cry, make baby jesus)  
  
FOMORI - A wyrm-infested mutant enemy of the werewolves  
  
GAROU - What werewolves call each other. They're too fancy to call themselves werewolves, see.  
  
GOD45 - Insane Hunter bent on cleansing the Earth. WoD's 2nd Bad Mutha. 1st Bad Mutha was Theo Bell. (see ->wayward)  
  
KUEI-JIN - Asian vampire. (The cosmology and metaphysics would crush your feeble mind, so stick to that explanation. It's simpler.)  
  
LUCIFER - Go check the White Wolf Demon forum. They can't seem to stop talking about him: "Was he wrong? Was he right? What is he going to do next? And really, what was his last name?"  
  
MA'AT - Balance. Mummies dig it.  
  
MORNINGSTAR - (See ->lucifer)  
  
NUKE, SPIRIT - After katanas, the second most powerful weapons in existance. The heat that Techies pack.  
  
ORPHEUS - A ghost game that exists in a vacuum inside the WoD. (See ->wraith, is orpheus the new)  
  
OSIRIS - The mummies' head honcho.  
  
REALITY DEVIANCE - Every supernatural thing that you have fun doing. (See ->technocracy)  
  
SECRETS, DIRTY - Dirty Secrets of the Black Hand. (See ->crack, smoking ->cry, make baby jesus)  
  
STARK, ANTON - Banal. Hates imagination, kicks puppies and wears grey. (see ->dauntain)  
  
TECHNOCRACY - Mages who hate all things magical. Go figure.  
  
THRALL - Someone who gets kewl powerz from a demon in exchange for faith.  
  
WAYWARD - A Hunter that has been looking at the pictures in Hunter books way too much and gotten the wrong idea of the game.  
  
WEAWER, THE - Was Formgiver, went mad, is now Stasis. Responsible for turning the Wyrm into a mad corrupter.  
  
WOD: GYPSIES - Evil incarnate. The ONLY sane reason to burn books.  
  
WRAITH, IS ORPHEUS THE NEW - The question thou shalt not ask. Ever.  
  
WYRM, THE - Was Entropy, wen't mad, is now Corruption. Werewolves mortal enemy.   
  
ZMEI - Kick-ass giant Wyrm-Dragons.  



	3. Prelude 3: The Shepherd Is Here Again

  


  
  
**"THE SHEPHERD IS HERE AGAIN"**   
or "The Assamite Schism Song"  
  
  
_Zagros Mountains, on the Iran-Iraq border. A military transport truck with Iraqi insignia is driving through the night. In the truck there are several soldiers. The soldier sitting next to the driver is arguing furiously._  
  
SOLDIER #1  
It does seem kind of rash  
And I sort of fear you're mad  
We search a hidden stash  
Just based on a dream you had  
  
_The truck arrives at a cave, blocked with a boulder. The driver looks pleased and gestures other soldiers to blow the boulder up._  
  
SOLDIER #2  
I told you that it's here  
And the way was not too long  
So do forget your fear  
What could possibly go wrong?  
  
_Cut to all the soldiers lying dead and exsanguinated in an underground chamber. The Assamite Methuselah ur-Shulgi, second childe of Haqim, is standing in the middle, yawning_  
  
UR-SHULGI  
They disturbed my slumber  
Now I'm up, in quite a daze  
I just cannot under-  
stand the way they found this place?  
  
_He realizes something_  
  
UR-SHULGI  
Could it be my sire  
That these tasty mortals sent?  
_(Shrugs)_  
If such is His desire  
I will roam this world again!  
  
_Cut to ur-Shulgi making his way through through desert and mountains towards Alamut, singing the chorus as a travel song_  
  
UR-SHULGI  
The Shepherd is here again  
Yes, the Shepherd is here again  
Oh it will be such fun  
Just to see what they have done  
'Cause the Shepherd is here again!  
  
_Cut to ur-Shulgi greeting Jamal, the current Assamite leader aka 'the old man on the mountain', deep within Alamut_  
  
UR-SHULGI  
The herald has arrived  
To present you with a plan  
The clan seems quite deprived  
So I'll aid you as I can  
  
_Jamal bends forward. It seems for a moment he is going to bow to ur-Shulgi, but then he proceeds to tussle the child-sized Methuselah's hair (or what little is left of it). Ur-Shulgi doesn't look pleased_  
  
JAMAL  
There has been some tension  
But I've always seen us through  
_(Nonchalantly)_  
But now that you mention  
There is something you could do...  
  
_He beckons ur-Shulgi to follow_  
  
_Cut to Al-Ashrad, the Amr (head sorcerer) of clan Assamite, working in his quarters. He is, as usual, trying to break the Tremere blood curse and looking very frustrated_  
  
AL-ASHRAD  
Centuries of working  
but it did not do much good.  
Could have spent them jerking  
off and same result I would...  
  
_Jamal bursts through the door, very excited and anxious_  
  
JAMAL  
Oh, I'm so gonna faint!  
Guess who's back? No need to stand!  
  
_Ur-Shulgi comes in. Al-Ashrad is very shocked and surprised to see his sire. Ur-Shulgi slides next to him and shuffles through the alchemical potions_  
  
UR-SHULGI   
It's all so very quaint  
_(Pokes Al-Ashrad in his empty left sleeve)_  
So, old one-eye, need a hand?  
  
_Ur-Shulgi begins chanting while Jamal is dancing around him singing the chorus_  
  
JAMAL  
The Shepherd is here again  
Yes, The Shepherd is here again  
He'll break the Witches curse  
Oh, for better and for worse  
'Cause The Shepherd is here again!  
  
_Ur-Shulgi finishes chanting. Al-Ashrad has an unimpressed expression. ur-Shulgi picks a 'Kiss the Amr' mug from the table, fills from his own wrist and hands it to Al-Ashrad._  
  
UR-SHULGI_ (Spoken)_  
Go ahead.  
  
_An anxious tune begins to play. Al-Ashrad looks at the mug, then at ur-Shulgi who is sporting a wide grin and nodding impatiently. Al-Ashrad sighs deeply, then, as the music crescendoes, drinks it all in one go. Everyone falls silent. Then a slow smile spreads across Al-Ashrad's face_  
  
AL-ASHRAD_ (Spoken)_  
It was... exquisite!  
  
_Al-Ashrad and ur-Shulgi high-five each other. Jamal is ecstatic . He cartwheels next to ur-Shulgi, lifts him from the waist and whirls him around, then puts him down._  
  
JAMAL  
You have erased our shame  
Yes, the deed you did is great  
In Allah's holy name  
Will you be my new best mate?  
  
_Ur-Shulgi shin-kicks Jamal, who proceeds to hop around in pain as ur-Shulgi sings._  
  
UR-SHULGI  
Allah? You can fuck him  
He's my junior: do the math!  
I just follow Haqim  
On his one true bloody path.  
  
_Jamal slaps both hands on his own cheeks, Home Alone-style._  
  
JAMAL  
_To himself, worried_  
He is acting so odd  
He may have to greet the dawn  
He keeps mocking my god  
This suspected demon spawn  
  
_(To ur-Shulgi, smiling)_  
We should work out something  
But rest assured, my brother  
Our faith is one thing,  
The mission is another!  
  
_Ur-Shulgi grabs Jamal and raises him against the wall. Because he is much shorter than Jamal, the effect is as comical as it is horrifying. The chorus has an ominous tone now_  
  
UR-SHULGI  
The Shepherd is here again  
Yes, The Shepherd is here again  
There will be no debate  
On your thoughts regarding faith  
'Cause The Shepherd is here again!  
  
_He rips Jamal in half. Al-Ashrad looks alarmed._  
  
AL-ASHRAD_ (Spoken)_  
Oh shit.  
  
_Cut to ur-Shulgi adressing a great number of assembled Assamites in a large hall inside Alamut_  
  
UR-SHULGI  
Ain't other clans a plague?  
Not us though, we are better  
Leave ashes in your wake  
And purge this world together!   
  
_Loyalists cheer and rejoice_  
  
LOYALISTS  
It makes such perfect sense  
Their sweet blood will be ours!  
We'll shatter their defense  
And burn their Ivory Towers!  
  
_The loyalists pick ur-Shulgi up and carry him out of the hall while chanting 'Long live the herald!'. However, a considerable number of Assamites, including Al-Ashrad, stays behind unnoticed. Al-Ashrad looks at the others_  
  
AL-ASHRAD  
Should we just take this chore?  
Just accept his masterplan?  
When we could be much more  
Than 'The Arab Ninja Clan'?  
  
_The schismatics shake their fists in the air_  
  
SCHISMATICS  
We too must have some rights!  
He's not our kind of killer  
So we must leave his sights  
  
_The schismatics fall silent and look at each other. Then they join hands and shout the final line with great relief and resolve while marching out of Alamut_  
  
SCHISMATICS  
And join the CA-MA-RIL-LAAAAAAH!  
  
_Fade to black. Then in huge letters: _  
**"GEHENNA: THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"**  


  



	4. Prelude 4: The Red Sign Musical Act 1

  
OK, here's the fourth prelude for my epic Gehenna musical. This one is LONG, spanning seven songs plus comments (OK, who said quantity over quality? WHO WAS IT?). Never fear, it has action, intrigue, romance and humor.  
  
Three things:  
  
1st: SPOILER WARNING  
  
Unlike the previous musicals, this one handles RED SIGN, a fairly new book that is not necessarily common knowledge. Luckily the book doesn't have a plot, so I can't spoil it. It does, however, have a multitude of characters, so if you are playing a Red Sign chronicle and don't want know the secret motives of major characters, STOP READING NOW.  
  
2st: ABOUT THE MINI-MUSICAL  
  
Because Red Sign is so open-ended, I had to make up most of the plot myself. I also had to drop a bunch of characters out to keep the thing from becoming over-complicated. Also, some characters are reduced to mere statists (like Agent Revere, Emma Dodd, Percival and Natacha) while some minor characters get bigger roles (mainly Cecilia Lyons). Gawd, I feel like some evil movie producer...  
  
3rd: UNFAMILIAR WITH RED SIGN?  
  
That's OK, I made a quick-reference lexicon for ya! (Not many jokes there, so if you know your RS, feel free to skip it.) Anyway, here it is:  
  
THE TOMES  
  
Ritual of the Red Sign:  
Turns vampires into mortals. The actual ritual is kind of funny, but you'll see what I mean later.  
  
The King in Yellow:  
The "Lovecraftian Horror"-bit of the chronicle. A ritual that makes the reader delusional enough to believe she's part of a fairy tale. Ultimately used to summon the Man in Pallid Mask who will grant a wish. Handy for fixing the soul of a newly mortalized vamp.  
  
Ex Libris Necro:  
A ritual to raise the dead, or in this case, insert a human soul into the brand new human.  
  
THE PLAYERS  
  
Ambrogino Giovanni:  
The vampire leader of the Conspiracy. An insanely arrogant rogue Giovanni bastard. Occultist, necromancer and a conspiracy enthusiast.  
  
Agent Geary Mendel:  
The mage leader of the Conspiracy. A somewhat arrogant rogue Technocrat bastard.  
  
Rutor:  
A vampire conspirator. An arrogant rogue Tremere bastard.  
  
Themistocles:  
A vampire conspirator. Ambrogino somewhat trusts him. Secretly planning to sabotage the ritual because he believes it's blasphemy. Maybe a True Brujah. (You'll have to wait and see...)  
  
Jean-Paul Joreau  
A mage conspirator. Secretly a Nephandus (really evil mage) who believes the ritual will cause chaos and devastation.  
  
Natacha Dimitriva Radocara:  
A vampire conspirator. Jaded Ventrue Prince who's in the conspiracy for fun.  
  
Percival:  
A vampire cospirator. Mad Lasombra Archbishop.  
  
Duality:  
Percival's right hand. A 50/50 man/woman Tzimisce metamorphosist koldun.  
  
Philippe de Marseilles:  
A vampire conspirator. A penitent Toreador who wants to become a mortal again. A volunteer for the ritual. Good friends with Pierre.  
  
Pierre de Calice:  
A mage conspirator. A member of the Maison Liban, a faction of Tremere who were never vampirized. Wants to save the Tremere by making them mortal again. Good friends with Philippe.  
  
Cecilia Lyons:  
Pierre's little helper. Thinks he is like, so cool and like, dreamy *giggle*!  
  
Agent William Revere:  
Agent Mendel's little helper.  
  
Dr. Emma Dodd:  
A mage conspirator.  
  
Frater Anson:  
A mage vampire-hunter. Current owner of the Ritual of the Red Sign.  
  
Jen Smith:  
A Marauder (seriously insane mage) in possession of The King in Yellow, which, incidentally, is also the source of her madness.  
  
Melissa Chong:  
A young mage who owns a martial arts dojo. Has a copy of Ex Libris Necro lying around.  
  
And now the musical. Ladies and gentlemen, please turn off your cell phones and set your seats in an upright position!  
  
  
  


**Red Sign: The Mini-Musical  
ACT I  
  
HOW IT BEGAN **  
or ONE MORE DARK CONSPIRACY BEFORE IT ALL ENDS!  
  
_Ambrogino is walking alone on a dark alley. He is shaking his fist heavenwards, ranting at god_  
  
AMBROGINO  
To be You I aspired  
But again I grow tired  
Is it time for something new?  
Just something full of bliss  
A cool plot with a twist  
That is all I ask of You  
  
_Agent Mendel steps into picture, dressed like a Chicago mobster, chalck stripes and all. He lifts his hat at Ambrogino_  
  
MENDEL  
Dear sir, I overheard  
Your ever single word  
My masterplan I'd care to share  
To cure your condition  
Is my self-made mission  
And might be quite fun, if you dare...  
  
_Ambrogino is startled. Then a mischievous smirk appears on his lips_  
  
AMBROGINO_ (Coyly, Southern Belle accent)_  
Why sir... If I'm not mistaken, I do believe that quite sounds like a CONSPIRACY?  
  
_They both laugh light-heartedly and join hands as they skip down the alley and sing the chorus_  
  
AMBROGINO & MENDEL  
Dark conspiracies are such fun  
All should partake in at least one!  
Let's find members for this team:  
Some to fight and some to scheme  
So let's make real this dream!  
  
_A medley of Ambrogino and Mendel meeting, phoning an writing letters to promising conspirators, while singing:_  
  
AMBROGINO  
Those hungry for power  
This chance now discover  
Jaded elders, take note too  
  
MENDEL  
All of curious bent  
Join this experiment  
Yes, willworkers, this means you!  
  
_A medley of answers:_  
  
PHILIPPE  
Yes, I share your goal  
It's to redeem my soul  
That's my single motivation  
  
NATACHA  
I'll do it just for kicks  
  
RUTOR  
I for power!-  
  
PERCIVAL  
-I for tricks!  
  
JEAN-PAUL JOREAU  
I to bring down ALL CREATION!  
  
_Everyone stops singing and looks at Jean-Paul, even people in other places during the medley. He looks embarrased, but then shrugs and goes 'or whatever' The chorus starts again_  
  
CONSPIRATORS  
Dark conspiracies are a hoot  
Cool and hip and sexy to boot!  
Let's help this old vampire  
His pulse to re-acquire  
And sunbathe without fire!  
  
_More vampires and mages join the singing_  
  
PIERRE DE CALICE  
Yes, you can count me in  
To rescue my lost kin  
Is reason enough for me!  
  
THEMISTOCLES  
I'll join them as a mole  
A part of bigger whole  
Then I'll end this blasphemy!  
  
PHILIPPE  
It is fine I am sure  
When my motives are pure  
And my heart is free from lies  
  
_Ambrigino is sitting alone in his study_  
  
AMBROGINO  
And it's never been done...  
  
_Talaq, the mortalized Assamite, and Children of Osiris the mortalized bloodline, jump into frame_  
  
TALAQ  
Except by this one!  
  
CHILDREN OF OSIRIS  
And a bunch of other guys!  
  
_Ambrogino sighs and hides them in a closet_  
  
CONSPIRATORS  
Dark conspiracies are all right  
Secret meetings in shades of night!  
So let's start making plans  
To bring wisdom in our hands  
Let's make our minions dance!  
  
_The conspirators send their minions out in a giant parade to search occult lore_  
  
**END OF ACT I**  
  



	5. Prelude 4: The Red Sign Musical Act 2

  
**Red Sign: The Mini-Musical  
  
ACT II  
  
THE THREE TOMES **  
or EGOMANIAC ROGUES, LOVECRAFTIAN   
HORROR AND HERMETIC LOVESONGS, OH MY!   
  
_Rutor is having a extra-cheesy showdown with Frater Anson on a windy rooftop at midnight_  
  
RUTOR  
I have not much crappier  
A vampire hunter seen!  
Red Sign would be happier  
With someone cool, like me!  
  
_Frater waves the Ritual of the Red Sign and laughs_  
  
FRATER  
I use it for vamp-baiting  
And it works rather fine  
See how you all come waiting  
You slay-ees stand in line!  
  
_Rutor strikes a pose: hands on waist and an Horribly Intimidating Evil Glare_  
  
RUTOR  
I am not an easy kill  
For I'm a Warlock rogue!  
If you fail to do my will  
My magic I'll invoke!  
  
_The wind stops. Silence. Frater's lower lip begins to tremble. He starts laughing so hard his eyes well up with tears_  
  
FRATER_ (Amidst laughter)_  
An arrogant... rogue... Tremere... Oh boy, that's SO original... and SCARY...  
  
_Rutor looks really upset and proceeds to horribly kill Frater by boiling his puny mortal blood. Then he picks up the Ritual of the Red Sign and flashes an evil grin_  
  
RUTOR  
There ya go kids, you have seen  
The lesson of the week:  
"Ego-stroking doesn't mean  
The Ego-stroker's weak!"  
  
_Rutor tosses his hair, laughs disdainfully and then flies into the moonlit sky, Red Sign under one hand and the other streched straight in front of him. His long coat flaps in the wind and the Superman theme begins to play._  
  


* * *

  
The next week...  
  
  
_Jen Smith is skipping down a brightly lit evening boulevard. She's holding the hand of an imagined companion and stops regularly to courtsey at people no-one else sees. In her other hand she's waving a stack of typewritten pages stapled together from one corner_  
  
JEN  
I read the most wonderful play  
It made me go rather insane  
I identified  
With people inside  
Now I play a role night and day!  
  
_She spreads her arms and spins around a la Sound of Music while the entire imaginary cast of "The King in Yellow" is chanting 'Yah! Yah! Shub-Niggurath!' on the background_  
  
JEN  
It's a Lovecraftian horror thing  
Verses that no man was meant to sing  
Twisting realities again  
Chtulhu, R'Lyeh and Fhtang!  
  
_A shadowy figure starts closing in on her. She doesn't notice it and keeps singing_  
  
JEN  
And soon that Man in Pallid Mask  
Will come to fulfill any task  
_(The creature comes up to her. It's a bizarre half-man, half-woman hybrid. Jen is puzzled and continues:)_  
And is this odd soul  
Asking for a role?  
  
DUALITY  
No, sweetie, I take - I don't ask  
  
_It stabs Jen with it's fleshcrafted arm and tears the script from her dead hands_  
  


* * *

  
A few months later...  
  
  
_An orientally decorated dojo. Cecilia Lyons is standing in the middle of the mat, next to Melissa Chong who has been bound to a chair_  
  
CECILIA_ (Spoken)_  
I really hate to do this. Can't you just tell me where you hid the Ex Libris Necro?  
  
MELISSA_ (Hisses)_  
Never!  
  
CECILIA_ (Dreamily)_  
But I have to get it for my Pooh-bear! I promised!  
  
MELISSA  
Pooh-bear?  
  
CECILIA  
Mmm, yes. Let me tell you about him:  
  
_She begins to sing wistfully as horror spreads in Melissa's eyes_  
  
CECILIA  
The first [Time] our eyes met  
I was lost for him to find  
And since then I can't get  
That sweet cutie off my [Mind]  
  
_Melissa's left eye begins to twitch)_  
  
CECILIA  
He says I was too hot  
So he [Forces] me away  
Though [Entropy] will not  
Ever hold my love at bay  
  
_Melissa breaks free of the chair and lunges at Cecilia, but is knocked down by a bright pink blast of ÜberCuteness, subconciously conjured by Cecilia's song_  
  
CECILIA  
He is my Tenth Sphere  
He is all I need  
He is my Tenth Sphere  
He makes me complete  
  
_Cecilia leans over poor Melissa, who's lying spastic on the floor. You could swear honey is dripping from her mouth_  
  
CECILIA  
But it does not [Matter]  
Even when we are apart  
I'll keep us together  
By [Correspondence] of hearts  
  
_Cecilia is surrounded by a heart-shaped halo. Melissa's ears are bleeding_  
  
CECILIA  
He is not a young boy  
My love's a man in his [Prime]  
He thinks me a tomboy  
But his [Spirit] will be mine  
  
_Millions of colourful bubbles float around Cecilia's pretty head. Melissa is having seizures and trashing violently about_  
  
CECILIA  
He is my Tenth Sphere  
My heart he will mend  
He is my Tenth Sphere  
He makes me Ascend!  
  
MELISSA_ (Screams)_  
NO MORE! Please, I'll tell you!  
  
_Cecilia looks at her absent-mindedly_  
  
CECILIA  
Huh? Are you sure? I still have one more Sphere to sing.  
  
MELISSA_ (Sobbing)_  
Please, no. It's... It's in that chest over there. Just no more singing, I beg you...  
  
_Cecilia peeks into the chest and extracts a large dusty tome, which she lifts above her head, bursting into song_  
  
CECILIA  
Now he'll surely want me as his wife  
So happy for the rest of my [Life]!  
  
_Cecilia prances out, accompanied by shining rainbows  
and Melissa is left gagging and wretching on the floor_  
  
MELISSA_ (Groan)_  
Lovecraftian my ass. THAT was true horror.  
  
**END OF ACT II**  



	6. Prelude 4: The Red Sign Musical Act 3

  
**Red Sign: The Mini-Musical  
ACT III  
  
PREPARATIONS**  
or HUGE DISAPPOINTMENTS FOR  
AMBROGINO AND CECILIA  
  
_The conspiracy headquarters, namely a giant mansion. Zoom into giant hall with a part of it set as a theatre stage. Behind the stage there's a doorway to a balcony overlooking a courtyard. The hall is full of mages and vampires, some studying scrolls, some chanting and some drawing chalk sigils on the floor_  
  
_Cecilia enters the hall, hugging the Ex Libris Necro and makes her way through the crowd, humming happily. She walks past Philippe de Marseilles, who is getting a full physical examination from Dr. Emma Dodd_  
  
PHILIPPE  
Miss Lyons! Be a dear  
And tell good doctor here  
To back off and let me rest!  
  
CECILIA_ (absent-mindedly)_  
Chill, I'm sure that she knows best  
  
_Cecilia hurries past Agent Revere who is studying The King in Yellow and gibbering maniacally. Finally she spots Pierre painting a giant glyph on the stage. Her face lights up and she rushes to tap him on the shoulder_  
  
CECILIA  
I have fulfilled your task  
Here is the tome you ask  
_(Fluttering eyelids, shooting another blast of ÜberCute)_  
Now, won't a girl who's been so sweet  
Be getting just the smallest treat?  
  
_Pierre grabs the tome, hardly even noticing Cecilia. The blast of cuteness hits a wall and dissipates into a million butterflies_  
  
PIERRE  
The final one at last!  
Oh, this is such a blast!  
_(Adressing the hall, still ignoring Cecilia:)_  
Hey everyone, let's do this right  
We'll start the ritual tonight!  
  
_He hurries off. Cecilia just stands there with her mouth hanging open. She bursts into tears and rushes out of the hall_  
  
CECILIA_ (Screaming)_  
I hate you I hate you I hate you!  
  
_Themistocles hears Pierre's declaration and looks quite troubled. Ambrogino is discussing excitedly with Mendel. Themistocles pulls his sleeve and whispers to him_  
  
THEMISTOCLES  
Ambrogino, we must talk  
Let us go out for a walk  
_(louder so Mendel hears)_  
I think our friend here needs fresh air!  
  
MENDEL_ (puzzled)_  
He doesn't breathe-  
  
THEMISTOCLES_ (cuts him off)_  
-Yeah, like I care.  
  
_Ambrogino gets the hint and follows Themistocles out of the hall, grinning at the prospect of more intrigue. When they are a few minutes walk from the mansion, Themistocles adresses him:_  
  
THEMISTOCLES  
I've revealed a shocking fact:  
There's a traitor in our pack!  
I shall tell you what I ponder...  
But please, first stand over yonder!  
  
_He points at a clearly artificial HUGE pile of sticks_  
  
AMBROGINO_ (shrughs, starts climbing on the pile)_  
I'll trust you, just like before  
But your news shock me to core  
So please, T-man, do tell me now...  
_(steps on a time-frozen twig which then causes the entire  
pile/bonfire to burst into huge flames. Temporis 4 = FUN!)_  
Shit, I am burning! Why... And HOW?  
  
_Themistocles gloats at burning Ambrogino_  
  
THEMISTOCLES  
Here's a fact you missed, I bet:  
I am not of Troile's get!  
My twinkish powers freeze the time  
Though they're not printed in Red Sign!  
  
_Ambrogino goes whoosh_  
  
THEMISTOCLES  
You're arrogant, and now you're dead  
I bet you wish you would have read  
My true lineage from the pages  
Of books handling the Dark Ages!  
  
_Themistocles starts heading back towards the mansion_  
  
THEMISTOCLES  
And good riddance, too! Now to stop that ritual...  
  
JEAN-PAUL JOREAU  
I don't think so... lawn chair.  
  
_The Nephandus steps out from behind a tree and blasts poor Themistocles into torpor with pure Prime power. Then he hurries back to the mansion_  
  
JEAN-PAUL  
So sorry, everyone! Ambrogino and Themmie won't be partaking in the ritual. Stage fright, I'm sure you all understand. They wished us the best of luck, though.  
  
**END OF ACT III**  



	7. Prelude 4: The Red Sign Musical Act 4

  
**Red Sign: The Mini-Musical  
ACT IV  
  
THE RITUAL**  
or ORIGINAL SINS OF THE KINDRED AS   
INTERPRETED BY ONE PHILIPPE DE MARSEILLES  
  
_The preprations are finished and the ritual may begin. Philippe is standing alone on the stage, barefooted and dressed in a hospital gown. Mages (minus Cecilia) are standing on the edge of the stage and vampires (minus Ambrogino and Themistocles) sit on chairs around the stage. Mendel is wearing a director's headset_  
  
MENDEL  
OK, folks, let's go over this one more time! The ritual takes form as a play. The head role is played by Mr. de Marseilles, and we are extras. Whenever I call someone's name, it's their time to join him on the stage. Remember, the events are not real, they are simply vampire myths projeceted through his conciousness. Agent Revere, was implementing the King in Yellow succesful?  
  
REVERE_ (supressing an insane giggle)_  
Yes sir. I made the wish to the Man in the Pallid Mask. And may I say, sir, it was quite a feat. _ (wipes off sweat)_  
  
MENDEL  
I'm sure. De Calice, are there any problems with Ex Libris Necro?  
  
PIERRE  
I assure you, it blends with the main ritual seamlessly.  
  
MENDEL  
Great. Super. _(slaps hands together)_ OK, people, let's do this! Lights! _(a spotlight focuses on Philippe)_ Chanting! _(mages start to chant)_ Let's make us some mortals!  
  
_The stage begins to warp and slowly turns into an archaic city at night. Philippe's skin begins to ripple and he morphs into a gorgeous young woman, Arikel, the Toreador Antediluvian_  
  
MENDEL  
Mr. Joreau! You're first!  
  
_Jean-Paul struts on the stage and morphs into a vicious- looking pretty boy, Absimiliard, the Nosferatu progenitor. He adresses Philippe/Arikel_  
  
JEAN-PAUL/ABSIMILIARD  
Those three act like fucking messiahs  
Let's burn them in gigantic fires!  
And Caine is not here  
So why should we care?  
C'mon babe, let's destroy our sires!  
  
_Philippe/Arikel looks at her lover sadly_  
  
PHILIPPE/ARIKEL  
No, Abs, that I can't allow  
You have to comprehend:  
If we start this Jyhad now  
It will not ever end!  
  
_Jean-Paul's/Absimiliard's face twists with anger. He raises his hand to strike, but reality warps again and the city disappears with it's tenants. Philippe bends over in pain and when he rises he has transformed again. He is Caine, standing in the wastes near the First City_  
  
MENDEL  
Agent Revere! Go!  
  
_Revere enters the stage and turns into a regal young man, Ynosh [or Enoch, whatever] He approaches Philippe/Caine_  
  
REVERE/YNOSH  
True paragon of human race  
With perfect body, mind and face  
But destined to die  
When years pass me by  
Unless you grant me the Embrace!  
  
_Philippe/Caine shouts angrily at his very first potential Childe-to-be_  
  
PHILIPPE/CAINE  
Lonely though I'll get, I must  
not ever spread my curse  
Flee, you fool, don't put your trust  
in those who'd make you worse!  
  
_Revere/Ynosh shrugs and off he goes. The scenery turns funny again. Now Philippe/Caine is in the land of Nod, on a clear starry night_  
  
MENDEL  
Mrs. Dodd! Stage is yours!  
  
_Emma leaps on the stage and becomes Lilith. Yes, the slutty bitch queen of the universe. She proceeds to paw and fondle her nephew, Philippe/Caine_  
  
EMMA/LILITH  
It's me love, your father's first bride  
I'll grant you a safe place to hide  
I'll teach you my powers  
And under my covers  
We'll have extra fun on the side...  
  
_Philippe/Caine looks tempted, but then grimaces and pushes her away_  
  
PHILIPPE/CAINE  
I don't need your comfort  
Nor indebtment to a witch  
I refuse your support  
Keep your filthy hands off, bitch!  
  
_Emma/Lilith looks offended. Then she defiantly snaps her fingers twice and takes her booty off the stage_  
  
MENDEL  
I'll handle this part!  
  
_He enters the stage and is split into three glowing forms: the angels Michael, Raphael and Uriel. They begin scolding Philippe/Caine mercilessly_  
  
MENDEL/ANGELS  
You've done a horrible thing  
We urge you: Repent for your sin!  
God would have you back  
Despite this attack  
Just ask Him and He'll let you in!  
  
_Philippe/Caine starts weeping bloody tears_  
  
PHILIPPE/CAINE  
It was a dreadful act  
I can never make it right  
But I'll accept this pact  
And I will lay down my pride!  
  
_The angels nod at each other, smiling approvingly. Suddenly there's a bright flash and the stage reverts to normal, leaving Philippe weeping on the floor. Pierre looks anxious and rushes towards him_  
  
PIERRE  
Did it work? Did we do it?  
  
_Philippe raises his head, panic in his eyes_  
  
PHILIPPE  
No, wait! It's not finished! Stay away!  
  
_But it's too late. The stage morphs once again - this time into a large field - and Pierre is struck down by an invisible hand. Philippe stands up and hurries to his side. A primitive farming tool is stuck on Pierre's back. Philippe looks at his hands: they are bloody. He is once again Caine, and Pierre is his dying brother._  
  
PIERRE/ABEL  
Sweet brother, I don't understand  
This happened to me by your hand?  
And strike down you would  
Your own flesh and blood  
In anger? Or was it all planned?  
  
_Philippe/Caine stands wordless. Then, with a horrible scream, he pulls the tool out of Pierre's/Abel's back. A blinding light pours out of the wound, enveloping the entire stage. All sounds are drowned by an angelic choir. Then, suddenly, everything falls silent. Pierre is lying alone on the stage._  
  
PHILIPPE  
It... It worked. I can't believe it. It worked!  
  
_He stands up and looks around, noticing the vampires look shocked. Then he realizes why:_  
  
_Every single mage in the hall has vanished completely_  
  
**END OF ACT IV**  



	8. Prelude 4: The Red Sign Musical Act 5

  
**Red Sign: The Mini-Musical  
ACT V  
  
HOW IT TURNED OUT**  
or THE ELDERS GET BORED AND  
THE MORTAL GETS THE GIRL  
  
_Philippe is standing with his mouth open, overwhelmed by the experience of being a mortal again. The vampires are starting to recover from the shock of seeing all the mages vanish and begin bombarding him with questions_  
  
DUALITY_ (Mildly interested)_  
Does the Beast still grip you  
Does it call your soul it's home?  
  
PHILIPPE_ (Smiling gently)_  
I'm free from all it's urges  
I'm as human as they come.  
  
PERCIVAL  
Do you still have powers  
Are you still superbly tough?  
  
PHILIPPE  
No, but I have been redeemed  
And isn't that enough?  
  
RUTOR  
What about the magic,  
Have you access to the Spheres?  
  
PHILIPPE  
No, but I can speak from heart  
And take away your fears  
  
_Natacha looks angry_  
  
NATACHA  
Well I for one will not accept  
That this was such a bore  
Sure, we got a mortal guy  
But I expected more!  
  
_Suddenly Percival stands up, pointing at the balcony doorway_  
  
PERCIVAL_ (Spoken)_  
Hey, everybody. Look. It's... It's raining blood outside.  
  
_The vampires get a hungry look in their eyes and start discussing excitedly_  
  
NATACHA  
Finally there's something  
Bit more interesting to see!  
Now if you'll excuse me please  
There's somewhere I should be.  
  
_Natacha hastily leaves the hall and is eventually followed by every single vampire in the room. Philippe is left alone on the stage._  
  
PHILIPPE  
They said they wanted freedom  
They were just lying fools  
They only saw their fellows  
As nothing more than tools.  
  
_He looks around in anguish_  
  
PHILIPPE  
They shouldn't be afraid of change  
They saw it could be done  
Oh, isn't there a soul who cares...  
  
_He is interrupted by a clear and beautiful voice_  
  
CECILIA  
Well, maybe there is one.  
  
_Cecilia is standing in the balcony doorway, smiling_  
  
CECILIA  
Everyone abandoned you  
You weren't what they dreamed  
Just a simple mortal man  
A man who's been redeemed  
  
_She walks next to Philippe and takes his hand_  
  
CECILIA  
I, as well, am left alone  
It's meant to be, dear friend  
A hot new fellow just like you  
Is surely heaven-sent  
  
_Philippe eyes her varily, then sighs and smiles at her. They walk to the balcony holding hands and look at the rain of blood together_  
  
PHILIPPE & CECILIA  
Let us face these final nights  
We'll try to make them better  
And if we die or go to hell  
At least we'll go together!  
  
(The rain clouds part and the morning sun shines on Philippe's face for the first time in centuries. Philippe smiles and looks at Cecilia.)  
  
PHILIPPE_ (Spoken)_  
Cecilia. Anyone ever tell you that you would have made one hell of a Toreador?  
  
_Fade to black. Giant letters:_  
**"GEHENNA THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"  
  
THE END**  
  
  
Thanks to everyone at WW Vampire forum who has posted feedback, especially to Azy (for worshipping me as her god), Jackob (for correcting my insane ideas and inspiring the Red Sign Mini-Musical) and MaxusDarte (for rivalling my work, keep it up!).   



	9. Prelude 5: Destroy the Masquerade!

  
(If you have the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, play "Kidnap the Sandy Claws" while reading for maximum fulfillment.)  
  
This one is based on the WW news ticker about a bunch of Sabbat raising hell in Paris. What was going through their minds? Let's find out...  


  
**"DESTROY THE MASQUERADE" **  
to the tone of  
"Kidnap the Sandy Claws"   
from the movie Nightmare Before Christmas  
  
_ Paris. A pack of three Sabbat neonates, Lock [Nosferatu Antitribu], Shock [Tzimisce] and Barrel [Malkavian Antitribu] are hanging out in their haven. Suddenly there's a knock on the door. When they open it, no-one's around but a note is laying on the ground. The music starts to play. Shock picks up the note and shows it to others. On the note it reads, scrawled in big childish letters: _  
  
"To whom it may concern.   
I was just thinking, wouldn't it be swell if  
you could tear the Masquerade down in Paris?   
I'd really appreciate it.   
  
Love  
Smiling Jack, Anarch Hero"  
  
_Lock, Shock and Barrel look suprised. They tiptoe back in to the haven._  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
Destroy fucking Masquerade?  
  
LOCK  
I wanna do it!  
  
BARREL  
It sounds great!  
  
_Shock starts waving the note_  
  
SHOCK  
Jack said we should work together  
  
BARREL  
He's lost his mind  
  
LOCK  
I've lost my leather  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
That's even better  
Wheeee!  
La, la, la, la, la  
  
Destroy the Masquerade  
Strike a fatal blow  
Use your fancy powers and  
Make a damn good show  
  
SHOCK  
First, we're going to ram a stake  
_(She mock stakes Barrel)_  
Inside a Ventrue's heart and wait  
When the sun is rising we will  
Dump him in a public place   
  
_Lock pushes her aside_  
  
LOCK  
Wait! I've got a better plan   
To screw this Camarilla scam  
Let's start a kinky vampire cult  
And then we'll let the members talk  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
Destroy the Masquerade  
Give it ugly scars  
Make the mortal weaklings see  
Who their masters are  
  
SHOCK  
And kick-ass members of Black Hand  
Can take the whole thing over then  
They'll be so pleased, I do declare  
That they'll cook Villon rare  
  
_She tosses a dart a Francois Villons' picture hanging on the wall_  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
Wheeee!  
  
_Lock pulls out a gun and points it at the Villon picture_  
  
LOCK  
I say that we take a pistol  
Aim it at the Prince and then  
  
BARREL  
Shoot three times and when he frenzies  
Masquerade will be no more!  
  
_Shock slaps the pistol out of Lock's hand and jabs Barrel with a fleshcrafted knuckle spike_  
  
SHOCK  
You're so stupid, think now  
I we confront him so openly  
He may use his Presence  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
And then make us bitches easily  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
Destroy the Masquerade  
Throw it out the door  
Why pretend we're humans when  
We are so much more  
  
_Lock and Shock wrap their hands on each others shoulders_  
  
LOCK & SHOCK  
Because Camarilla wankers   
sure can't order us around  
If I were one of those old farts  
I'd get out of town  
  
BARREL  
They'll be so shocked by our success  
Black Hand will grant a boon, I'll bet  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
Perhaps they'll make us members too  
But NOT of Black Hand True  
Ewww!  
  
_They start creeping around the haven menacingly_  
  
We are Cainite soldiers  
And we fight our war at night  
We do our best to raise hell  
And stay on winning side  
  
_Shock looks at Lock and Barrel, bickering again_  
  
SHOCK  
I wish my packmates weren't so sick  
  
_They look at her_  
  
BARREL  
YOU are the sick one   
  
LOCK  
Stupid lick!  
  
SHOCK  
Shut up!  
  
LOCK  
Make me!  
  
_Shock leaps at her packmates and grabs them both_  
  
SHOCK  
I've got something, listen now  
This one is real good, you'll see  
We'll find a lame kine gathering  
With lots of yummy folk to eat  
Now, in the crowd we'll wait and hide  
And when you hear a yell from me  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
Release the beast you have inside  
And maim some mortals  
One, two, three  
  
_They burst out of the haven and on the streets_  
  
LOCK, SHOCK & BARREL  
Destroy the Masquerade  
Give the kine a scare  
And if one or two survive  
Drag them in your lair  
  
_They're running on the street, slashing at bystanders and making general havoc_   
  
Destroy the Masquerade  
Rip it into shreds  
Camarilla losers are   
Left to shake their heads  
  
_Shock notices a political rally and tugs at Barrel's sleeve. He smiles and all three run into the fray_  
  
Destroy the Masquerade,   
Set your nature free  
If the cops are after you  
Use Ce-le-ri-teeeeee!  
  
_Fade to black. Screams. Moans. Giggling.  
Then in giant letters: _  
**"GEHENNA: THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"**  
  



	10. Prelude 6: What a Nightmare! What a Week...

  
  
**WHAT A NIGHTMARE! WHAT A WEEK!**  
or "The Ravnos Antediluvian wakes up"  
  
_Deep inside a lost mountain somewhere near India. The Ravnos Antediluvian [who henceforth shall be referred to as Ravnos, not Dracian, Ravanna or Zapath-whatever. Let's keep it simple] is slumbering in deep torpor. Suddenly he stirs._  
  
RAVNOS  
I've been sleeping deep and long  
Unaware of what goes on  
But I sense a great disturbance  
Like way back when with Miss Fur Hands  
  
_His eyes shoot open, and a tentative drum beat begins to play_  
  
RAVNOS  
Somewhere Ravnos blood is spilled  
Fact that makes me less than thrilled  
_(Realizes)_  
This can hardly be for real  
Fools are killing off my meal!  
  
_He blasts out from the mountain and insanely loud electric guitars start trashing._  
  
_Cut to Dr. Douglas Netchurch's facility in North Carolina. The Malkavian scientist is standing next to a violently twitching vampire who is strapped in bed._  
  
NETCHUCRH  
My thinbloods threw a nasty fit  
Now they're all chanting in Sanskrit  
And I must the reason seek  
What a nightmare! What a week!  
  
_The guitars calm down a bit. Again in India, an old and powerful Kuei-Jin and her ally are leading their acolytes forward._  
  
TIEH JU & CHOU LI  
The Wheel too soon is turning  
Too soon this world is burning  
Join us now, don't hesitate  
Stop him now, it's not too late  
  
_Meanwhile Ravnos himself is already facing three insanely old and powerful Kuei-Jin Bodhisattvas at the Bangladesh floodplains_  
  
BODHISATTVAS  
You beast! Prepare to meet your doom  
For your kind this earth has no room  
_(Small pause, then curiously)_  
Clarify though first one thing:  
"Rroma founder... Yama king?"  
  
_Ravnos blushes. Guitars become louder again_  
  
RAVNOS  
I won't comment on those rumors  
Come! I long to spill your humors  
  
BODHISATTVAS  
You're quite strong, but we're not weak  
What a nightmare! What a week!  
  
_All around the world, members of clan Ravnos are suddenly getting free extra levels of Chimestry_  
  
CLAN RAVNOS  
We are feeling rather wild  
Let's go crazy, ACID STYLE!  
  
_They start running around the streets, looting and projecting increasingly ridiculous illusions. An Orthodox Ravnos Purist emerges on the street, looks at the martians and dinosaurs, and starts waving the revised clanbook frantically_  
  
RAVNOS PURIST  
You all should be flogged, no less  
Illusions ain't for silliness  
They should NOT be used this way  
They are a subtle tool, I say!  
  
_A gigantic Horrid Reality whale drops on him and he enters torpor_  
  
  
**["How we quit the forest"]  
[A short, educational interlude]**  
  
_A pack of werewolves are making their way towards the center of the storm._  
  
WEREWOLF #1  
Come my brethren! Let us slay the Wyrm-Beast and cleanse it's foul taint from Gaia's soil!  
  
_The other werewolves stop and look at him, confused_  
  
WEREWOLF #2  
Uh... What are you talking about?  
  
WEREWOLF #3  
Yeah, dude. Did you eat something funny?  
  
WEREWOLF #1 _Not understanding_  
Why? Are we not Garou, Gaia's chosen warriors?  
  
_Werewolf #2 looks puzzled_  
  
WEREWOLF #2  
Look, there's obviously some misunderstanding. We are Lupines.  
  
WEREWOLF #3  
Yeah. Bestial berserkers infected with lycantrophy.  
  
WEREWOLF #1  
Yes, but do we not slay vampires?  
  
WEREWOLF #2  
Well, yeah, but only because we're like twice as bloodthirsty ourselves.  
  
WEREWOLF #1  
So... No Garou?  
  
WEREWOLF #2  
No.  
  
WEREWOLF #1  
And no spirit mentors?  
  
WEREWOLF #3  
None whatsoever.  
  
WEREWOLF #1  
And what about Wyrm-thingies?  
  
WEREWOLF #2 _(Smiling)_  
Only if you haven't taken your shots.  
  
WEREWOLF #1 _(Blushing)_  
Gosh, guys. I feel so stupid. Well, I guess I'll be going then.  
  
_Werewolf #1 steps sideways and vanishes_  
  
WEREWOLF #2  
A pleasant enough fellow. But I wonder how he did that?  
  
**[And now back to tonight's feature]**  
  
  
_Ravnos is pinning one Bodhisattva down with one hand and slashing at the two to keep them away_  
  
RAVNOS  
Feel my madness! Feel my hate!  
I'll call nightmares to my aid!  
  
_He conjures up vampire cobras, souleaters, abominations, Heinrich Himmler and an ashtray_  
  
BODHISATTVA  
Oh, we have nasty tricks as well  
We'll open up the gates of hell!  
  
_They rip reality open, causing a violent supernatural storm. Ravnos realizes something_  
  
RAVNOS  
Dawn is just around the corner  
Little time-out is in order?  
  
_Tieh Ju and Chou Li are watching the battle from a distance_  
  
TIEH JU & CHOU LI  
We'll raise a typhoon in sun's way  
You can fight non-stop night and day  
  
_Ravnos gives them a thumbs-up and resumes fighting. Meanwhile a buch of wraiths are anjoying the show_  
  
WRAITHS  
There's a tiger! There's a crane!  
Have they all gone quite insane?  
Rather quirky, so to speak  
What a Nightmare! What a week!  
  
_In a Technocrat operations center Agent Schiavelli is reading reports of the events. His aide comes to him._  
  
SCHIAVELLI _Speaking_  
Yes?  
  
AIDE  
We deployed our solar mirrors  
But that typhoon blocked the ray  
Then we tried to clear it by force...  
Someone holds the clouds that way!  
  
_Schiavelli looks annoyed_  
  
SCHIAVELLI  
Well, since this IS code Ragnarok  
Let's give the land a little shock  
Let's neutron bomb this sucker's pants  
Yes, let's fry ALL THE DEVIANTS!!!  
  
_He smashes his hand on a big red button, cackling maniacally_  
  
_Suddenly the denizen's of the Bangladesh floodplains stop worrying about supernatural storms and start worrying about nuclear hellfire_  
  
BODHISATTVAS  
Pure energy! Oh, the pain!  
  
_They go whoosh_  
  
_Everyone else goes whoosh_  
  
_Except Ravnos. He just gets a little charred. What, you thought being bombarded with nuclear missiles would kill him? He has Fortitude 10! And the lame surplus Techie nukes only do like 12 agg, or something._  
  
RAVNOS  
All the others bit the dust  
I'm not easy to combust  
All it did was make me angry...  
_(Notices Tieh Ju and Chou Li who are still around, because apparently, if you stand a little bit away from a nuclear explosion, you won't be utterly annihilated)_  
Angry... and a little hungry!  
  
_He starts approaching the pair_  
  
TIEH JU  
Zao-Lat's funky brother  
You sure gave us trouble  
  
RAVNOS  
I'm really hungry, let me feed!  
  
CHOU LI  
I know EXACTLY what you need.  
  
_He releases the storm and the magnified solar rays hit them all. Everyone dies. Happy end. Except for the Ravnos clan, which goes insane and diablerizes itself almost completely._  
  
_Sometime later, a top secret Camarilla meeting. Prominent figures, such as Queen Anne and Francois Villon, are present. Marcus Vitel, wearing a badge that says "I'm a Ventrue" is adressing everyone_  
  
VITEL  
Something weird is going on:  
Ravnos clan is all but gone  
And the reason can be just one...  
  
ANNE  
Ante-fucking-deluvian?  
  
_Panic spreads through the room as the elders start whispering frantically. Finally Villon stands up_  
  
VILLON  
Let's not sound the alarm bells  
Maybe it was something else  
And IF this was the starting fight  
It's over now, and we survived  
  
_Vitel looks at him sneakily and taps his nose_  
  
VITEL  
I'm sure that is what YOU believe  
But I know he has CHEMISTRY!  
He tricked you all with level ten  
And soon he will be back again!  
  
_The room falls silent. Everyone looks at Vitel, disappointed._  
  
VILLON  
Dude. I'm not even going to start. Just... Just get out of here, OK?  
  
_Vitel leaves, muttering to himself_  
  
VITEL  
Fine. Don't believe me. By my pin, you shall see...  
  
_Fade to black. Giant letters:_  
**"GEHENNA: THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"**  



	11. Act 1: An End to a Different Dream

  
  
OK, Gehenna Wormwood spoilers here! Wormwood spoilers! Look out!  
  
  
  
**AND END TO A DIFFERENT DREAM**  
or "The Wormwood Opera"  
  
**DAY 1**  
  
_A lone figure is running on the street. It's Pentweret, the Setite from Lair of the Hidden. Behind him a toxic-looking red mist fills the street. Pentweret sees a cathedral and hurries towards it. At the doors Ferox, the white gargoyle, gestures impatiently._  
  
FEROX  
Join us quick, o chosen one  
You'll be saved if you just run!  
For forty days this cathedral  
Will shield us with it's mighty walls!  
  
_Pentweret nosedives his way through the doors at the last minute and Ferox slams them shut_  
  
PENTWERET _(Smiling)_  
Stuck in here for forty days?  
It's not so hard a test to face  
Could be worse, I do admit  
If I had to spend it with...  
  
_He stands up and looks around and his smile dies_  
  
_Besides Ferox and Alia, all the chosen vampires are his old roommates from Huneadora castle_  
  
PENTWERET  
Nooooooooooooooooooo!!  
  
  
**DAY 5**  
  
_Eshmunamash confronts Ferox with a theological dilemma_  
  
ESHMUNAMASH  
Tens of thousands vamps around  
Only a handful heard the sound  
_(Puzzled)_  
I just can't comprehend this thing  
Were only few worth rescuing?  
  
_Ferox pulls out a bowl filled with slips of paper and covers his eyes. As he sings, he blindly picks slips from the bowl to demonstrate God's inscrutable and holy process of choosing those worthy of redemption_  
  
FEROX  
God can only concentrate  
On roughly dozen vampire's fate  
Crowds confuse Him, it's a shame  
Every face looks just the same  
  
_After pulling twelve slips, Ferox dumps the contents of the bowl into a trashcan, and smiles_  
  
FEROX  
See?  
  
ESHMUNAMASH _(Sarcastic)_  
And here I was thinking God was omniscient and merciful... Silly me.  
  
  
**DAY 11**  
  
_An old friend comes to visit the cathedral_  
  
SAULOT _(Tapping on the window)_  
Hey c'mon guys, please let me in!  
It really hurts, this Wormwood thing!  
  
ABDALKUTBA  
But didn't you accept your fate?  
You said there's no room for debate  
  
SAULOT  
Once again, I've changed my mind  
Let me in, please, be so kind  
  
_Saulot makes puppy eyes at the Chosen, but Ferox promptly closes the curtain. Tapping can still be heard_  
  
FEROX  
Nice try, Demon Emperor! Mwa ha ha... ahem.  
  
  
**DAY 16**  
  
_Tensions start to rise between Zamra, Cret and Danika_  
  
ZAMRA  
That Fiend bitch sure get's on my nerves  
Let's vote her out, that she deserves!  
  
DANIKA  
I'm a guest here, just like you...  
  
CRET  
Shut up both, I've work to do!  
  
_Demetrius comes to them, smiling like a blissful idiot and spreads his arms_  
  
DEMETRIUS  
Come now, my my, it's not so bad  
There's lots of insight to be had  
Just set your inner balance free  
And reach Golconda, just like me  
  
_Danika, Cret and Zamra look at each other. Then they look at Demetrius, who is still doing his Maharishi impersation_  
  
_They start beating him together_  
  
DEMETRIUS _(Still smiling)_  
Another *OW!* argument averted by *OUCH!* your good friend Demetrius... *NOT THE HAIR!*  
  
**DAY 21**  
  
_Drenis is standing near the cathedral's doors, talking to aninsane street preacher_  
  
STREET PREACHER  
I know I'm right, the End is here  
So pay heed to these words, my dear  
  
_Drenis gets a sneaky look_  
  
DRENIS  
_(To himself)_  
This must be a moral test...  
I'll show God that I'm the best!  
_(To the preacher, over-dramatically)_  
Yes it's true, the Kindred die  
We're not worthy in His eye!  
  
_He casts his hands up and looks pleadingly at the heavens. The preacher looks troubled_  
  
STREET PREACHER _Scared_  
Wow, just how deranged are YOU?  
You disturb me... We are through!  
Bye!  
  
_The preacher runs away as fast as he can. Danika walks to the door_  
  
DANIKA  
Hiya, nancy-boy. What was that all about?  
  
DRENIS _(Surprised)_  
I think I scared that loony off.  
  
_Danika slaps him_  
  
DANIKA  
Way to go, Frank N Furter! You should have lured him in! I wanted to sink my fangs...  
  
FEROX _(Appearing behind her)_  
Ahem!  
  
DANIKA _(Think fast!)_  
...into some deep theological conversation... Yes, that's right.  
  
FEROX  
Good. Remember: People are friends, not food.  
  
  
**DAY 27**  
  
_Hill confronts Ferox and Alia with his thoughts about God'ssolution_  
  
HILL _(Frustrated)_  
I just don't like this Final Night  
Where is the giant vampire fight?  
No ancients rising from the ground  
No people shooting nukes around  
  
ALIA _(Understanding, pats him on the hand)_  
But this is not some evil scheme  
It just more faithful to the theme  
  
_Hill calms down a bit, but then Ferox blurts out:_  
  
FEROX _(High and mighty)_  
This may not be your cup of tea  
If you're a major twink, you see?  
  
_Hill looks offended and walks away muttering to himself_  
  
  
**DAY 36**  
  
_Ferox has failed. The sanctuary has turned into a frenzied cage-match_  
  
ANASTAZI  
I'll kick your cross-dressing butt!  
  
DRENIS  
Just you try, fleshcrafted mutt!  
  
HILL _(Confronting Mahtiel)_  
How I've longed to fight with you  
Sleep, just like you always do!  
  
_Abdalkutba has grabbed Bufo in a headlock_  
  
ABDALKUTBA  
I read your future in the stars:  
It is my fate to kick your arse!  
  
_Ferox runs around in panic_  
  
FEROX  
This all fills my mind with doubts  
My Faith drops to sane amounts!  
  
_Everyone stops and looks at him_  
  
EVERYONE  
Uh oh...  
  
_The red mist that is Wormwood starts flowing through the windows of the cathedral. It coalesces and begins to take form... A human-shaped form, with a face all too familiar to the occupants._  
  
_The Wormwood Creature looks at the ex-Chosen with murder in it's eyes. Cret is the first to react_  
  
CRET  
Something's wrong, this can't be right  
It turned out to be Sam...  
  
_But before he finishes that sentence, there is a **tick**-noise and everything freezes in place._  
  
THE VOICE OF DEUS EX MACHINA  
OK people, I've been patient, but this? It just got WAY too stupid.  
  
_Something resembling a phone booth appears. It's door opens and a bunch of vampires pour out. Their leader speaks up_  
  
THE TRUE BRUJAH ANTEDILUVIAN  
Did we make it here in time?  
To prevent this heinous crime?  
  
_The Wormwood Creature tries to break free from the time freeze, but it's speech and movement are pitifully slow_  
  
WORMWOOD CREATURE  
Mmmmoooorrrreeee... pppoowwweeerrrr...  
  
_A female True Brujah looks at it curiously_  
  
FEMALE TRUE BRUJAH  
Hmm. Maybe he only speaks twink?   
_(Starts to imitate the creature)_  
Mmmuussst fffiillll aallll doottts iiinn theee ssshheeettt...  
  
_The True Brujah Antediluvian rolls his eyes_  
  
THE TRUE BRUJAH ANTEDILUVIAN  
Doesn't really matter, does it? We're too late. _(Strikes a cheesy pose)_ But wait! There's still a chance. We must give our lives to rewind time so this will never happen.  
  
_Ferox struggles to deliver a few lines_  
  
FEROX  
That is not how God would act!  
Please don't go through with this crap!  
  
_Wormwood joins him in the sentiment_  
  
WORMWOOD CREATURE  
Daammmnnn yooouuuu... Fuuuucking Truuueee Bruuuujah...  
  
THE TRUE BRUJAH   
Now it's time to reset your clocks  
No Wormwood or that damn Ferox  
Let's do what even God could not:  
Let's give the End another shot!  
  
_Time begins to ripple as the True Brujah use their powers in concert. Horrible wounds open on their bodies but they refuse to cease. Finally they all burst into flames, and the time freeze releases_  
  
PENTWERET _(Unimpressed)_  
Of course... It figures that *Temporis* would be used to undo God's will.  
  
_The True Brujah dissolve into ash as time finally rewinds a few months. Their sacrifice has averted God's Gehenna, but the Antediluvians are still around and about to wake up and lay smackdown on each other..._  
  
  
  
  
  
_Too bad for humans._  
  
  
**NEXT in Act 2:**   
Showdown between Caine and Lilith!   
  



	12. Act 2: If It Were not for You

  
  
Very small Gehenna Chapter 3: "Fair Is Foul" Spoilers, but thought I'd mention it anyway, just in case.  
  
  
  
As a tribute to the scenario, I think it's appropriate to begin this one with a Garbage quote (a delightfully 2nd ed practice, don't you agree? Love it.):  
  
_"Choke on guilt, that's far too good for you  
Say one word, I'll laugh and bury you  
Leave you in the place where you left me"_  
Garbage - As Heaven Is Wide  
  
Fitting. So here we go:  
  
  
  
  
**IF IT WERE NOT FOR YOU**  
or "The Duet of Mutual Scorn"  
  
_Caine and Lilith are having their final showdown in a dark alley. Both have arrived alone, and are eyeing one another with open hatred_  
  
LILITH  
So farm-boy, we meet once more  
How I've expected this!  
Face now what I have in store  
You KNOW what payback is!  
  
CAINE  
I have issues too, you know  
Some quite unfinished business  
Time to reap just what you sow  
Jehova's vapid mistress  
  
_They starting walking slowly towards each other_  
  
LILITH  
You are such a bother  
  
CAINE  
You are such a bitch  
  
LILITH _(Smirking)_  
Have you seen your brother?  
  
CAINE _(Burn!)_  
Have YOU seen your KIDS?  
  
_Inches from each other, they spin around. Now standing back to back, they start singing the chorus with diffrent lyrics at the same time_  
  
CAINE  
**LILITH simultaneously**  
  
How dare you spread your filthy lies  
**I took you in, helped you survive**  
Not even one is true  
**When all your hope was through**  
We'd all still live in Paradise...  
**My children would still be alive...**  
  
_They spin again, facing each other_  
  
CAINE & LILITH  
If it were not for you!  
  
_They leap few steps back and begin circling one another slowly. Lilith starts bombarding Caine with insults about his family_  
  
LILITH _(Thumbing her nose)_  
Your father was a horny mule  
Your mother was his toy  
Your brother was a trusting fool  
And you're a prideful boy  
  
_Caine looks dismayed and tries to think of a mean comeback. Then his face brightens_  
  
CAINE  
Lots of men did try your stuff  
But ALL chose to depart  
I guess you were not good enough  
You monster-breeding tart!  
  
_Caine sticks his tongue out_  
  
LILITH _(Angry)_  
You are just a primate!  
  
CAINE You love only schemes!  
  
LILITH  
Now it's time to die, mate!  
  
CAINE  
Baby, in your dreams!  
  
_They start fighting, in an over-coreographied Alias fashion. Caine spin-kicks Lilith, but she dodges easily and tries to slash at Caine's legs. Caine backflips over the blow and catches her neck between his legs in one smooth motion. Lilith grabs his ankles and pushes him away, but Caine lands on his feet. All the while they sing the chorus_  
  
CAINE  
**LILITH simultaneously**  
When you wandered all around  
**You're blaming me for monster-birth**  
I think you lost a screw  
**No really, YOU blame WHO?**  
Babies would be safe and sound  
**Vampires would not roam this earth**  
  
CAINE & LILITH  
If it were not for you!  
  
_They start wrestling on the ground, pulling each other's hair. Suddenly Caine screams with pain and surprised delight_  
  
CAINE _(Triumphantly)_  
A scrath! You scrathed me! Hahaa, you fool! Sevenfold curse! Now you die! Of blood loss! _(Looks at Lilith, who is still around, healthy as ever)_ Or... something...  
  
LILITH _(Unimpressed)_  
Man... You REALLY believe in that shit, don't you?  
  
_They leap at each other's throats_  
  
CAINE & LILITH  
If it were not for you  
Our troubles would be few  
This world could be so cool  
Sky always would be blue  
...and other great things, too  
If only  
Oh, if only  
It! Were! Not! For! Y...  
  
_A voice interrupts them_  
  
VOICE  
Oh, boo hoo hoo. Cry me a river. Why don't you both write a book? Maybe you'll find somebody who cares.  
  
_Caine and Lilith stop fighting and turn to face the speaker_  
  
CAINE & LILITH  
But I really DID write a...  
  
_They fall silent. The speaker is YHWH, the vengeful WoD Old Testament God_  
  
LILITH _(Seething)_  
Look who's here, you've got some gall!  
  
CAINE _(Furious)_  
You're the worst one of them all!  
  
_They both lunge at YHWH, who grabs them in by the ears_  
  
YHWH  
Easy, there! Who are you anyway? Some insane farmer and his wife?  
  
CAINE _(Struggling)_  
I'm Caine! Remember? You cursed me for killing my brother and brought the scourge of vampires upon this world!  
  
LILITH _(Scrathing YWHW's arm)_  
And I'm your former divine consort! You and your cronies abused me and set the example for all male evil in the world!  
  
YHWH _(Amused)_  
Talk about delusional... Listen folks, I've never seen you before, but isn't it time to take responsibility for your own mistakes?  
  
CAINE  
Yeah, right... Like YOU never made mistakes.  
  
YHWH  
Well, I am God. All-powerful and -knowing. I fix my mistakes them before they even happen.  
  
LILITH  
That's the biggest load of crap I've ever...  
  
YHWH  
I knew you were going to say that! All-knowing, see?  
  
_He lifts them both up_  
  
CAINE  
Why always me? It's not fair! Waah!  
  
LILITH  
Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!  
  
YHWH  
Ok, kids, time to leave.  
  
_He vanishes, taking Caine and Lilith with him. With Caine gone, vampires all over the world suddenly start experiencing a new kind of weakness... The Withering has begun_  
  
  
  
And now a few special "G:tM tickers", handling some things that won't get coverage in the musical:  
  
**//intercept/source—SchreckNet//:**  
H: The Sabbat packs have finally turned against their masters. The details are hazy, but apparently Cardinal Greyhound wanted to begin this years Palla Grande by making all the male participators chant: "It feels like something's heatin' up, can I leave with you?" and the female ones respond: "I don't know what I'm thinkin' bout, really leavin' with you". Suffice to say, his Presence failed and he is now a pile of ash. The Sabbat leadership is in shambles.  
C.  
  
**Eurovision finalists fried on stage **  
ISTANBUL, TURKEY - The Eurovision Song Contest 2004 was brought to a shocking halt when the British finalists, a quartet called "Daughters", burned to death on stage in a freak pyrotechnics accident. Following the tragedy, hundreds of women have spontaneously combusted all around the world. Eyewitness reports describe the incidents identically, with each woman weeping, looking at the sunrise, then screaming: "Our masterplan has failed!" and bursting into flames.  
  
**New York rappers make a statement**  
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - The fresh-faced rap trio "2nd Gen" released their debut album today. In the release party, the trio's leader Enoxx "Da wize", declared that the new album was aimed at "all generations" but specifically hoped it would "send a message to those who have been there from the start". The album "Payback", features Enoxx's, Z-Killah's and Radical I's cryptically named hit single "Rematch with the Antes".   
  
  
**NEXT in Act 3:**  
Trouble in New York!  
  
  



	13. Act 3: Ten Million Ways

  
  
Nightshade spoilers.  
  
**TEN MILLION WAYS**  
or "The Tzimisce Antediluvian Rampage"  
  
  
_Calebros, the Nosferatu "Prince" of New York, is sitting in his haven, logged on to ShreckNet, sending vital messages into Camarilla cyberspace_  
  
CALEBROS _(Mumbling to himself as he types)_  
Mwahaha... "bush suxx!"...Hehehe... "all roleplayerz worship Satan!".... Bwahaha... "the new WoD will be D20!"... Ohhh yesss.  
  
_Somebody coffs behind him. He turns around and sees the Camarilla fanboy Jan Pieterzoon, the legendary Archon Theo Bell and Cristof Romuald (of the Vampire computer game fame). They are accompanied by several skilled (read: "expendable") warriors from various clans._  
  
PIETERZOON  
A monster is loose in your town  
The rampage may risk to tear down  
The whole Masquerade  
So we ask your aid  
Come with us, you art'ritic clown!  
  
_Calebros shrugs_  
  
CALEBROS Well... I am free for the evening.  
  
_Cut to the party walking through a restricted area. There are dead bodies and burning wrecks of cars everywhere. Calebros sees patches of moss and dead flesh on the wall. He realizes something_  
  
CALEBROS  
Now all my suspicions have mounted  
It must be the thing that has haunted  
The sewers before  
I'll face it once more  
It can't be as bad as you doubted  
  
_An undescribably horrible Vicissitude monster confronts the party from behind a corner. It's multiple heads loom hungrily over the vampires and it's freakish tentacles trash violently about_  
  
CALEBROS _(Matter-of-factly)_  
Ooookay. It's grown.  
  
_The monster launches it's tentacles at the party._  
  
PIETERZOON  
Look out!  
  
_Everyone dodges, but a tentacle makes contact with one of the Malkavians in the party, infecting him with Vicissitude. His eyes glaze over and he starts walking towards the monster._  
  
VICISSITUDE INFECTED MALKAVIAN _(Vacantly)_  
Hee hee... Coolness.  
  
_He reaches the monster, there's a giant *SLURP!*, and then the Vicissitude Infected Malkavian is gone._  
  
VOICE  
Heh. Poor Camarilla suckers...  
  
_Pieterzoon turns around to see Polonia, New York's dethroned Sabbat leader, watching the fight._  
  
PIETERZOON _(Offering the hand of truce)_  
Our whole race is now in danger  
Hey, Tan-boy, don't be a stranger!  
  
_Polonia flips him the bird, and starts walking away_  
  
POLONIA  
Your city, your show  
I'll get me a bow  
And then find a job as a Ranger!  
  
_The monster starts to sing the chorus in a slow and heavy bass voice that makes windows tremble_  
  
MONSTER  
Ten million bodies I've infected  
Ten million souls that I can claim  
Ten million twists so unexpected  
Now twenty million is my aim  
  
_Cristof strikes a heroic pose and adresses his fellow warriors_  
  
CRISTOF  
Thank you for holding the fort  
I'll vanquish the beast with my sword  
I'll see that it dies  
With "Prison of Ice"  
_(He dashes at the beast)_  
Onward! In the name of the Lord!  
  
_One of the monster heads descends on Cristof and eats him_  
  
PIETERZOON  
Clearly that beast has no soul  
It just went and gobbled down whole  
Our Fighter/Saint  
"Diablo" this ain't  
Can somebody come fill his role?  
  
_Cyscek, a fourth gen Tzimisce Methuselah (but honestly, where do all these guys come from?), runs to the scene, brandishing a huge spear_  
  
CYSCEK  
Looks like you could use some aid  
I'm glad that I was not too late  
Now tasteth my spear!  
And leaveth from here!  
O clanfounder twisted and great!  
  
_He leaps at the monster, wounding it, but gets splattered by some acid in the progress and dies. The wounded monster screams and climbs on top of the Empire State building to evade it's enemies_  
  
MONSTER  
Ten million reasons to rejoin me  
Ten million ways to say my name  
Ten million XPs if you beat me  
Ten million points to win this game  
  
_Two helicopters follow the monster, one piloted by Pieterzoon's posse, the other by a bunch of delusional Caitiff._  
  
THE DELUSIONAL CAITIFF BUNCH  
OK, guys. LET'S GET IT ON!!!  
  
_Their helicopter goes out of control and crashes into the ground, killing everyone in it._  
  
PIETERZOON _(Dumbstruck)_  
What the hell was THAT all about?  
  
_He shakes his head, remembering what Cyscek said only moments before_  
  
PIETERZOON  
So clanfounders really exist?  
That makes me terribly pissed!  
So Hardestadt lied  
He hurt me inside  
_(To Calebros)_  
Remove him from my "Best Friend"-list!  
  
_Calebros takes a piece of paper from his pocket. It's titled "JAN'S BUDDIES" and has one name "Hardestadt". He rips it into pieces_  
  
CALEBROS  
Done! Now, can we concentrate on killing the thing?  
  
_Bell gets an inspired look on his face_  
  
BELL  
Yo, that's the Shihmeehtsay clanfounder? Hot damn! I have a question for it!  
  
_He shoots at the monster with his shotgun to get it's attention_  
  
BELL  
Yo! Big mutha! I wanna know how you pronounce Tshimmetzky!  
  
_The monster looks confused. Then it suddenly produces millions of tiny mouths upon it's skin, each screaming in pain. Finally it explodes in a shower of goo, raining over the streets of NY_  
  
CALEBROS  
Well, *that* was obvious.  
  
_Cut to Saulot, prancing around wherever, dressed stylishly in the stolen body of Tremere himself. Suddenly he hears a voice inside his head_  
  
TZIMISCE  
Say, karma-boy, you wouldn't happen to have any *Vicissitude* in that stolen body of yours?  
  
SAULOT  
Aww, crap. Not fair!  
  
_Tzimisce is reborn in Saulot's body, promptly killing the silly sod and ending all his weird schemes_  
  
_Cut back to New York. Pieterzoon's helicopter lands on the street, and our questionable heroes step out, facing a crowd of people_  
  
PIETERZOON  
Oh shit, is the Masquerade lost?  
I'll fix it, no matter the cost!  
_(Staring at the crowd)_  
Look in my eyes, kine  
Your will is now mine  
All that has happened is glossed...  
Eh...over.  
  
_Nobody seems interested_  
  
NEW YORKER #1  
Uhh, whatever, freaks.   
  
NEW YORKER #2  
Like I care.   
  
NEW YORKER #3  
I'm busy.  
  
_People start going about their business as usual. Pieterzoon just stands there, astonished_  
  
BELL  
C'mon, you didn't really think that the people of New York would be impressed by an Antediluvian? Please.  
  
**NEXT in Act 4:**  
Fashion, Raves and Snakes!  
  



	14. Act 4: Fashion, Raves and Snakes

Small Spoilers for the Crucible of God scenario.  
  
**FASHION, RAVES & SNAKES**  
or "Some ancients awaken, some don't"  
  
  
_Francois Villon, the Toreador Prince of Paris, is sitting in his reception chamber, reviewing new ideas from his designer ghouls. He looks really bored_  
  
VILLON  
Paris has lately been droll  
Even the line-up of fall  
Seems so pale and uninspired  
  
_He looks around, and then, with more resolve, continues_  
  
VILLON  
Every très gauche face  
I simply must replace  
_(Adressing the ghouls in the room with him)_  
Ralph and Calvin, you are fired!  
  
_The two men burst into tears and run out of the room. The phone rings_  
  
VILLON _(Picking up the phone)_  
Oui? No, I've told you a hundred times Michelle, I'm NOT interested! _Slams the phone_ Oh, merde! I am so dreadfully bored!  
  
_A veiled woman enters, looking bemused_  
  
VEILED WOMAN  
One big faux pas this whole town  
No great jewel for my crown  
  
_Villon stands up, furious_  
  
VILLON  
Who are you? You've got some nerve!  
  
_She drops her veil, and Villon goes *WOW!*.The woman is Arikel (once again, let's keep it simple), the first Toreador. She frames her perfectly photogenic face with her hands_  
  
ARIKEL  
You need inspiration?  
Let's redo the nation!  
And give me what I deserve!  
  
_Villon, recovering but still in total trance, starts to nod eagerly_  
  
VILLON  
Why yes, yes of course!  
As our tour de force  
We'll renovate Paris completely  
  
_They march out on the streets, using insanely high levels of Presence without shame. People fall to their knees when the pair passes. Then they rise, their grins a mile wide_  
  
ARIKEL & VILLON  
No place for a freak  
Let's make it très chic  
Don't bother to do it discreetly  
  
_Arikel struts down the street like a giant catwalk, spreading her arms wide. Every building she glances becomes beautiful, every person more dignified. Even the stars seem to shine brighter. A parade of newly made bards and dancers follows the pair._  
  
THE PEOPLE OF PARIS  
Our city will shine  
To Kindred and Kine  
Yes, even the oldest of bunch!  
They'll know wide and far  
It's pretty, n'est pas?  
  
_Arikel gives a dazzling smile_  
  
ARIKEL  
Oui! Then I will meet them for lunch!  
  
_The crowd gives a wild cheer and lifts Arikel high in the air. Fireworks ensue_  
  
ARIKEL  
Do you love me, girls and boys?  
  
THE PEOPLE OF PARIS  
Do we really have a choice?  
  
_Everyone bursts out laughing and a giant Zeppelin with the words "ARIKEL 4EVAH!" flashing in neon lights soars past_  
  
_Elsewhere..._  
  
_Sara Anne Wilder, the contested Prince of San Francisco, is having some non-Kuei-Jin-related problems for a change_  
  
WILDER  
Can't... stop... dancing...  
  
_She is waving glow-sticks and gyrating spastically in the middle of a street. That would be embarassing, were it not for the fact that everyone else is acting in a similar fashion. A frantic and heavy bass beat can be heard throughout the city. Strobe lights flash_   
  
WILDER  
Sudden...urge...to...remove...clothes...  
  
_She starts throwing her clothes off. People cheer. Again, would be embarassing if not for the group effort. The Sabbat launches their foam cannons at the crowd. Everyone is having a good time... Almost everyone._  
  
FU PENG  
Honored ancestor! Something is horribly wrong!  
  
SONG FENG  
I honorably suggest we leave the round-eyed western devils and their corruption-music alone for now!  
  
_They flee the city, just as the Gangrel Primogen starts bashing on a synthesizer and shouting in a very heavy German accent (think Scooter)_  
  
GANGREL PRIMOGEN  
Ze Ah-vatar Tranze! Ze final nites are here!  
  
_Meanwhile..._  
  
_The grand majority of Setites has gathered at the Ombos temple to try and resurrect their dead god. The scene resembles a vampiric tent revival meeting, with robed Setites discussing excitedly_  
  
SETITE #1 _(Explaining his exploits)_  
...I told her "Oh sure!  
you can have some more  
blood in exchange for your child"  
  
SETITE #2 _(Chuckling)_  
Nice story my dear  
But on MY way here  
I left THREE virgins defiled  
  
_Two high-ranking Setite hierophants address the assembled crowd from the top of a staircase_  
  
HIEROPHANT #1 _(Waving incense)_  
The rewards we will get  
When we resurrect Lord Set  
He'll fulfill our every ambition  
  
HIEROPHANT #2 _(Raising her hands)_  
And just like He ordained  
We bought, sold and blackmailed  
For aeons as our true religion  
  
HIEROPHANT #1  
The time is now!  
  
_All Setites start stomping their feet_  
  
SETITES  
Snakebait Oo-Ha-ha!  
Snakebait Oo-ha-ha!  
  
_There's a rumble. Then, for the first time since ancient times, Set's mighty voice echoes through the air_  
  
SET'S VOICE _(Cheerily)_  
Hi, you've reached my personal voicemail! If I'm not present at the moment, it's probably because I'm fighting the Amenti or giving a hard time to the Silent Striders. Man, it's hard being a crossover-heavy Antediluvian! Well, anyway, if you could leave a message after the hiss, that'd be swell. Ta!  
  
_The male hierophant looks troubled._  
  
HIEROPHANT #1 _(Whispering)_  
Shit! I told you this wouldn't work! What now?  
  
HIEROPHANT #2 _(Winks)_  
Relax, we're a cult. I know how to handle cults.  
  
_She addresses the crowd_  
  
HIEROPHANT #2  
Well now! As you all hear  
This message makes it clear  
He needs us in the spirit realm!  
  
HIEROPHANT #1 _(Catching on)_  
Let's shed our earthly skin  
Let's help our Dark Lord win  
His enemies we'll overwhelm!  
  
_The Setites look at them, silently. The one speaks_  
  
SETITE #1  
Waaiiit. How are we supposed to...  
  
_Another Setite chops his head off with a labyr_  
  
SETITE #2  
Join lord Set in the underworld!  
  
_The biggest assisted suicide in recorded history starts. The Hierophants sit on the stairs and observe the massacre. Hierophant #1 offers a goblet of blood with a twist of lemon in it to Hierophant #2. She smiles and takes a sip, offering another goblet with a little umbrella to him_  
  
HIEROPHANT #1  
Thanks. Where's that one guy, anyway?  
  
HIEROPHANT #2  
Who? Kemintiri? I heard she's designing new Pepsi ads these days. _(Spits)_ Sellout.  
  
HIEROPHANT #1  
Noo, I mean that guy. Odd, but a decent enough fellow. Had this fixation about getting the pyramid scheme back in fashion.  
  
_A single Setite runs up the stairs but is decapitated before reaching the hierophants_  
  
HIEROPHANT #2  
Ohh, yeah, he said he was busy. Running some scam with the Assamites or something. Trying to get Haqim's blood.  
  
HIEROPHANT #1  
You think he knows something we don't?  
  
_Hierophant #2 looks at the hordes of Setites helping their brothers in faith to join Set in the next life trough the use of various blunt and sharp instruments. Then she shrugs_  
  
HIEROPHANT #2  
Nah.  
  
_The massacre continues for a few minutes. Then it's over, and the ground is covered in ash and black blood. Only the hierophants remain. Hierophant #2 begins gagging and wretching_  
  
HIEROPHANT #2  
_Cough_ What is... _Cough_...this?  
  
HIEROPHANT #1 _(Grinning triumphantly)_  
For the good of the clan! I poisoned your drink!  
  
HIEROPHANT #2 _(Laughing and coffing)_  
Hehehe..._Cough_...I poisoned yours... _Cough_... as well.  
  
_A few minutes later there is nothing but ashy goo in the temple_  
  
**NEXT in Act 5:**  
Lambach and Tzimisce!  



	15. Act 5: Where Did We Go Wrong?

Nightshade & Crucible of God spoilers.  
  
**WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?**  
or "The Ballad of an Eager Suitor"  
  
_Lambach Ruthven is running through the Carpathians, scared out of his mind, as usual. He stops to shake his fist at a passing flock of birds_  
  
LAMBACH  
Dammit, Tzim'! I'm a Methuselah, not a plaything!  
  
_Then he continues running. After a few minutes, he stops to lean against a tree for a while. Sad music begins to play._  
  
LAMBACH  
I know too much  
I saw too much  
I wish we'd never met  
The sight of you  
The scent of you  
Now fills my mind with dread  
  
_The tree's branches begin streching down at Lambach. He screams and runs to a nearby cave where he huddles in a corner_  
  
LAMBACH  
We failed back then  
We'll fail again  
It makes me feel so sad  
You bring me pain  
You bring me shame  
Though I've been a good lad  
  
_On a wall, a patch of moss gathers together and forms a mouth. Lambach is frozen in terror. It's Tzimisce (or, as well call this incarnation, Neo Tzimisce. It's a nod to Japanese RPGs, not the Matrix!). The mouth smiles at him and begins to sing_  
  
NEO TZIMISCE  
I want you, but not by force  
For that you are too dear  
You are mine, I am your source  
I just want you to hear  
  
_Lambach summons up enough courage to run out of the cave, still hearing the eerie voice behind him_  
  
NEO TZIMISCE  
Why can't we get along?  
Where did we go wrong?  
  
_Lambach trips over a rock and, as he's rising notices a pretty flower on the ground. He picks it up_  
  
LAMBACH  
You haunt me so  
Just let me go  
I fear you, can't you see?  
Just say goodbye  
Then maybe I  
Can find my destiny  
  
_He is just about to smell the flower, but then he sees it has produced two eyes and a mouth, grinning at him. He screams and drops the flower, which sings_  
  
NEO TZIMISCE  
No, please don't run  
Our flesh is one  
I'm everything you need  
Please understand  
My little Lamb'  
And help me spread my seed  
  
_Lambach begins to look annoyed_  
  
LAMBACH  
I don't want your twisted love  
You omnipresent jerk!  
  
_The flower wilts and dies. Lambach looks relieved, but then a fawn runs to him and continues, in the same voice_  
  
NEO TZIMISCE  
You're so cute when you play tough  
But we can make it work  
  
_Lambach kicks the fawn over and runs some more_  
  
NEO TZIMISCE  
Our bond is just that strong  
So where did we go wrong?  
  
_Finally Lambach quits running. He turns at the closest incarnation of the Eldest (incidentally, a white rabbit with nasty, pointed teeth), and starts to yell, horribly off-key_  
  
LAMBACH  
Because you're ev-ry-where to me-yyy!  
And when I...  
  
_The rabbit looks alarmed and cuts him off_  
  
NEO TZIMISCE  
Whoa, there! I know you're my chosen one, but if you are going to start quoting Michelle Branch, then maybe we need to take a break... _(Starts to back away)_ I wonder what Vykos looks like, these days?  
  
_The rabbit runs off and Lambach smirks_  
  
LAMBACH  
I should have though of that years ago.  
  
_He hears somebody approach and hides behind a tree. It's Etrius and Tremere, who's occupying Goratrix's body, since his own body is in such demand these days_  
  
TREMERE _(Explaining to Etrius)_  
He'll pay for eating up my clan  
So I've devised a masterplan  
We'll free the demon from the soil  
And thus The Dragon's plans we foil!  
  
ETRIUS _(Carefully)_  
Wait a sec, boss, just hold steady  
Was it not released already  
By a magic munchkin sword?  
  
_Tremere looks at him threateningly_  
  
TREMERE  
Such claims you can not afford!  
  
ETRIUS _(Grinning)_  
So, one *could* say that we are, like, chasing the dr-  
  
TREMERE _(Cutting him off)_  
Finish that pun and I'll have to hurt you.  
  
_Lambach appears from behind the tree_  
  
LAMBACH _(Completely deadpan serious)_  
I just wanted to say, good luck. We're all counting on you.  
  
_He runs off. Tremere looks puzzled_  
  
TREMERE  
Who was that?  
  
ETRIUS  
I have no idea, sir. _(He looks around)_ Listen, I hate to cut to the chase, but unless we sever Kupala's bonds and nip Tzimisce plans in the bud, soon all our tools will be insufficient!  
  
TREMERE _(Furious)_  
Cut? Sever? Nip? INSUFFICIENT TOOLS?!?! Blasted Etrius, is there no end to your puns? Must you constantly remind me of the genital shortcomings of this new body?   
  
_Etrius is about to answer, when a Salubri warrior leaps from the shadows, wielding a large sword and looking rather confident._  
  
TREMERE _(Bored)_  
Oh, great, another Salubri avenger. How many does that make, Etrius?  
  
ETRIUS _(Checking his notes)_  
That's... That's the sixth today, sir.  
  
SALUBRI #6  
It's time to pay, Arch-Usurper!  
  
_Salubri #6 dashes at Tremere. Suddenly the ground beneath him shakes and The Tzimisce Dragon (which we'll call Tzimisce X) bursts out, swallowing the poor warrior whole_  
  
TZIMISCE X  
Ten million ways, you know the drill  
It's time to swoop in for the kill!  
  
_Tzimisce X lunges at the warlocks_  
  
TREMERE _(To Etrius, calmly)_  
I wanna cast... magic missile!  
  
ETRIUS _(Leafing frantically through a spell book)_  
I'm on it, boss! Let's see... Contents... Magic Missile... Page XX? WHERE THE HELL IS PAGE XX?!  
  
TREMERE _(Exasperated)_  
Forget it! I'll just blast him with "Summon Kupala"!  
  
_He raises his hands and the ground begins to shake. A giant hand forms, bitch-slapping Tzimisce X. Then it start choking him_  
  
KUPALA'S VOICE  
Who's the tough guy now, huh? Say uncle! Say it!  
  
_The hand drags Tzimisce X underground._  
  
KUPALA'S VOICE  
Who's your daddy? Say my name, bitch!  
  
_Finally the earth spits the final incarnation of Tzimisce (Tzimisce Zero) in front of Etrius and Tremere. It's a short human male, dressed in a jester's garb_  
  
TZIMISCE ZERO  
Aww... Shit.  
  
_Tremere starts pointing at Tzimisce Zero and giggling like a fool_  
  
TREMERE  
Hah! Ah ha! Look at that, Etrius! Tzimisce... He's a fucking midget! Ha!  
  
TZIMISCE ZERO  
Shut up, Captain Castration! This is your OWN damn body!  
  
TREMERE _(Screams)_  
Liar! I was tall and handsome!  
  
_Tremere lunges at Tzimisce Zero and begins diablerizing him_  
  
TREMERE  
Hey, I taste pretty good!  
  
_The dialerie finished, Tremere turns to face Etrius_  
  
ETRIUS  
So... what now?  
  
_Before Tremere can answer, a rabid coterie of Caitiff descends on him_  
  
RABID CAITIFF  
Let's get it on!!! Again!!  
  
TREMERE  
Huh...What? Nevermind, I'm an Antedeluvian again! This should be easy! _(Points his cheesy wand at the Caitiff)_ Avada Kedavra!  
  
_A puff of smoke comes from the wand_  
  
TREMERE _(Increasing panic)_  
It's not working! Etrius, why isn't it working?  
  
ETRIUS _(Shrugs)_  
The Withering, sir?  
  
TREMERE  
But I just diablerized a frickin' Antediluvian! Diablerie is supposed to counter the Withering, that's the whole point! Why didn't- Argh!  
  
_The Caitiff hack him to pieces. Etrius flees in panic_  
  
**NEXT in Act 6:**  
FishMalks!  



	16. Act 6: My Childer

Nightshade and Crucible of God spoilers.  
  
**MY CHILDER**  
or "The Madness Network Montage"  
  
_A Malkavian... No, a horribly "wacky" (ugh) Fishmalk is sitting in his toystore haven talking to his teddy bear_  
  
FISHMALK  
He's coming, Mr. Snoggy-Fangs... *giggles* ...He's coming!  
  
_He screams as he is overcome by the collective mind of Malkav, falling on the floor. Then he rises, a maniacal grin on his face, and begins to sing. Slow string music is playing in the background_  
  
MALKAV  
My childer are all parts of me  
And now just like me they will be!  
I'll just surf from head to head  
To overthrow this crazy net!  
  
_The music stops_  
  
MALKAV  
So...  
Steal the scene, shout it out  
Wear your bunny slippers proud!  
  
_A very upbeat tune starts to play as the montage begins. Cut to a vampire staked in a basement_  
  
MALKAV  
This one saw it fit to quote  
Limp Bizkit to the Prince  
  
_Pan to reveal another vampire lying next to him_  
  
MALKAV  
This one wanted to elope  
With Nosferatu twins  
  
_Cut to a vampire huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth_  
  
MALKAV  
This one, seeing firemen  
Would throw autistic fits  
  
_A guy looking like Magnum walks in and the autistic vampire stands up, grinning_  
  
MALKAV  
Show him a full moustache then  
He'll soon regain his wits  
  
_The beat stops, and the slow strings return. The autistic vampire slashes "Magnum" with a straight razor and sings_  
  
MALKAV  
My childer are all so unique  
For madness they harbor a streak  
Now I'm back to make it heard  
"Fishmalk" ain't a dirty word!  
  
_The music stops again_  
  
MALKAV  
So...  
Have some fun, make fart sounds  
Wave straight razors all around!  
  
_The fast and cheery tempo returns. Cut to two hooded figures in a candle-lit cave, bowing to an empty space_  
  
MALKAV  
These two lead a cult so fierce  
It's like the True Black Hand  
One Del'Roh from your darkest fears  
One Inquisitor Grand  
  
_Cut to a man raving at the streets. He has drawn a third eye on his forehead with a magic marker_  
  
MALKAV  
This one claimed himself the son  
Of a prophetic line  
  
_A woman walks up to him and offers a rusty utensil_  
  
MALKAV  
This one peddled spoons for fun  
She did it all the time  
  
_Slow strings. The prophet and the spoon vendor join hands and sing_  
  
MALKAV  
My childer are sisters and brothers  
Though some a bit odder than others  
They surprise the world with their pranks  
But never receive enough thanks  
  
_Music stops_  
  
MALKAV  
So...  
Gibber on, start a fight  
Eat your crayons in one bite!  
  
_Upbeat. Cut to a vampire using just about every obscure discipline at the same time_  
  
MALKAV  
This one posessed thirteen minds  
Each set up for one clan  
  
_Cut to another vampire, dressed in an old witch-hunter's garb, brandishing a cross and a stake_  
  
MALKAV  
This one is -he now reminds-  
A vampire-hunting man  
  
_Cut to a drooling vampire in a straight-jacket_  
  
MALKAV  
This one was the pope in June  
In July, Black Hand member  
By August, Fremen from the Dune  
A Garou in September  
  
VOICE  
Stop! Enough of this insanity!  
  
_The collective Malkav stops singing and turns it's global attentions towards two figures. One is hooded but the other one is clearly recognisable_  
  
MALKAV  
You! Ankla Hotep! The False Caine! You must die!  
  
ANKLA HOTEP  
No. I'm here to stop you for good.  
  
MALKAV  
You will die! We are the entity that says "Canon"! We guard the sacred words "Retcon" and "Non-Canon"!  
  
ANKLA HOTEP _(Whispering to his companion)_  
Those who hear them very seldom appear in future books.  
  
MALKAV  
We will erase you from canon! We will remove non-canonical elements from Gehenna! All will be assimilated! That's the purpose we created the Word Eater for!  
  
ANKLA HOTEP _(Horrified)_  
But that's... That's madness!  
  
MALKAV _(Deadpan)_  
Well... Duh.  
  
ANKLA HOTEP  
So you're just... forbidding everything YOU deem non-canon?  
  
MALKAV _(Laughing)_  
Everything! Luckily, you are the worst thing that got through from Berlin by Night. We don't think even we could have handled the Embraced Cobras or...  
  
_The hooded figure interrupts him in the worst war movie Gestapo accent EVER_  
  
HOODED FIGURE  
Or vho?  
  
_He drops is hood to reveal the second most infamous thing ever to appear in a WW book, the unbondable Tremere Antitribu..._  
  
HEINRICH HIMMLER  
Gut evening, Herr Malkav. Mine Freund Herr Caine here told me he vould be needing mine...how do say? Assistanze.  
  
_The collective Malkav gives an agonizing scream_  
  
MALKAV  
No! Anathema! Non-canon! Misrule!  
  
HIMMLER _(Smugly)_  
Ja! I am ze very Lord of ze Misrule! ...Und mine dual Japanese battle svords vill be koming soon, too. Und ze sekksy Kat-Vampyre Gangrels! Und ze Kinder of ze Ozziris! Und...  
  
_Malkav's scream grows unbearable. Then, the head of every being subsumed by Malkav explodes. Himmler smiles arrogantly_  
  
HIMMLER  
Vell. Zat vent quite nicely. Eh, Herr Caine?  
  
_He turns to pat Ankla Hotep on the shoulder_  
  
HIMMLER  
Herr Caine?  
  
_As Himmler's hand touches it, Hotep's form falls to the ground, nothing more than an empty sack of skin_  
  
HIMMLER  
Was zum Teufel?  
  
_Somewhere, a coyote laughs. Before Himmler can think about it, the ground begins to shake, forming into a giant mouth_  
  
HIMMLER  
Nein! Gott im Himmel! Neeeeiiinn!  
  
_The Gangrel progenitor Ennoia, newly earthmelded with, well, Earth, chomps him down in one go_  
  
**NEXT in Act 7:**  
Transcendent Antediluvians!  



	17. Act 7: Earth, Blood and Darkness

Spoilers for Crucible of God and the Gehenna novel.  
  
**EARTH, BLOOD AND DARKNESS**  
or "The Transcendent Antediluvians' Jam"  
  
_We pick up where we left off (for once) as the first Gangrel, Ennoia, is opening her mouths around the world_  
  
ENNOIA  
If you thought Tzimmy's plan was much:  
"All life on Earth within my clutch!"  
Well, now I *am* the Earth as such!  
  
_She opens a huge maw under a bunch of silly lupines_  
  
SILLY LUPINES  
Aargh! A Thunderwyrm! The Jaws of the True Father!  
  
_Before the silly lupines are swallowed, they get hit by a holy anti-crossover lighting bolt and burn to ash_  
  
ENNOIA  
Feed my bottomless des-ayah!  
I'm no longer a vamp-ayah!  
I just took the place of Gaia!  
  
_Somewhere in the heavens, baby's crying can be heard_  
  
_Meanwhile, Haqim himself has returned to his clan and managed to set up a meeting with Al-Ashrad and ur-Shulgi (ha, like they'd dare to say no to him). The three men are standing on a cliff near Alamut_  
  
AL-ASHRAD  
Greetings, sir, it's nice to see  
You're back to shed some clarity  
_(Points at ur-Shulgi)_  
Now, was HE right or was it ME?  
  
_Haqim shrugs and eyes him hungrily_  
  
HAQIM  
It's been so long, it matters not  
All I crave for now is blood  
  
UR-SHULGI _(Grins)_  
That sounds a lot like me, my God!  
  
HAQIM _(NOT grinning)_  
Good. In that case, you shall be the first.  
  
UR-SHULGI _(Thumbing his nose at Al-Ashrad)_  
Nyah nyah nyah, I was right! I was... Hey?  
  
_He doesn't even have time to react before Haqim diablerizes him. Then the ancient looks at Al-Ashrad_  
  
AL-ASHRAD _(Gulp!)_  
Note to self: "Assamites older than me? All mad."  
  
HAQIM _(Lunging at him)_  
You betcha!  
  
_After draining both of his lieutenants, Haqim spreads his arms and explodes into a breeze of desert wind. Then he flies through the middle-eastern nightsky_  
  
HAQIM  
Transcending the physical body? Can't say I hate it!  
  
_Meanwhile Giangaleazzo, the treacherous Lasombra Antitribu Prince of Milan is writing a letter to his fellow unpronouncables Abdalkutba, Eshmunamash and Huitzilopoctli, while a ghoul is combing his hair. Suddenly a being of pure shadow appears before him_  
  
GIANGALEAZZO  
It's you!  
  
LASOMBRA  
How are you, gentlemen?  
  
_The ghoul panics and runs_  
  
LASOMBRA  
Well hiya G, what did I miss  
On my brief stay in the Abyss?  
C'mon champ, give us a kiss!  
  
_His shadow-form envelopes and exsanguinates Giangaleazzo_  
  
LASOMBRA  
Mmm... Nothing like devouring your progeny to start the week!  
  
_A map montage of Lasombra slithering through Europe, heading north... All the way up to Finland._  
  
LASOMBRA   
Hey, where are the polar bears?  
  
_He seeks out his blood-bound servant and one of the most powerful thaumaturges in the world, Louhi, the 5th gen Malkavian granny, who wasn't subsumed by Malkav_  
  
LASOMBRA  
Throughout the years, with all her might  
A faithful servant of the Night  
Now help me rid this world of light!  
  
_He pauses_  
  
LASOMBRA _(Excited)_  
But first...Let's see some polar bears!  
  
LOUHI _(Blink)_  
...There are no polar bears in Finland, my lord.  
  
LASOMBRA  
Really? Bummer. _(If shadow-stuff could shrug, this would be the moment)_ Oh well, let's do this.  
  
LOUHI _(Pointing at a circle)_  
Please enter the ritual circle.  
  
_Lasombra's shadow-from slides into the circle. Louhi begins to chant. There's a giant flash, the sky darkens and the stars vanish..._  
  
_...For a few seconds. Then they return, and a suddenly very human-shaped Lasombra notices he is paralyzed inside the mad thaumaturge's circle_  
  
LASOMBRA  
What the...?  
  
LOUHI _(Cackling gleefully)_  
Perfect!  
  
_Ennoia is wreaking more havoc, causing earthquakes and stuff, generally being a nice little parasite to the entire planet_  
  
ENNOIA  
There's no escape, there is no doubt  
You all are in, there's no way out  
The planet's just a giant mouth!  
  
_She swallows the sanctuary where the Chosen from the Wormwood scenario would have hidden, had it not been for the time-rewinding antics_  
  
ENNOIA  
And when I need my foes to kill  
I'll move a mountain, move a hill  
Then grind them in my rocky mill!  
  
_Ennoia opens her mouth in California, completely destroying a small town. Only a single schoolbus escapes. Luckily, an arrogant wannabe-cockney vampire currently residing in the town sacrifices himelf and uses a magical amulet to pacify Ennoia_  
  
_What? It could happen_  
  
_Cue a map montage, similar to the Lasombra one, except this one has windy Haqim flying around the mediterranian_  
  
HAQIM  
I have a rather pleasant hunch  
My Sandy Claws will slay the bunch  
Then I'll have Justicars for lunch!  
  
_He ambushes a secret Camarilla meeting in France, his windy form blowing through the participants and slaying the lot of them. Madame Guil, the Toreador Justicar, is screaming, bleeding from her eyes_  
  
GUIL  
No! I can't see! It's the poisonous invisible elves!  
  
_A while later Fatima al-Faqadi, the famous Assamite, is in a mosque, killing time. Suddenly she feels a desert wind beginning to blow_  
  
FATIMA  
You can kill me, it's all the same  
For my actions I feel no shame  
And for them all, love is to blame  
  
_The wind grows harder, but then stops. Fatima looks ecstatic. Suddenly a mysterious Setite bursts through the door_  
  
SETITE _(Looking around)_  
OK! Where is he? WHERE IS HE?  
  
FATIMA  
Grandfather Haqim has just left.  
  
_The Setite throws his hands in the air and we notice he is holding an empty glass jar in one hand_  
  
SETITE  
Damnation! Why am I always too late? _(Looks at Fatima)_ And what are you smiling about?  
  
FATIMA  
He judged me worthy. Now I can face anything with a smile.  
  
_The Setite gets a "You're kidding, right?"-face_  
  
SETITE  
So... A mad blood-god didn't feel like offing you and that makes you what? A saint? Completely redeemed?  
  
_The wind begins to blow again_  
  
FATIMA _(Mischievous grin)_  
Looks like he has returned to judge YOU...  
  
SETITE  
I'm ready! _(Leaps into the sandstorm, wielding the glass jar)_ Gonna get me some of that Essence of Assamite!  
  
_As Haqim strips the flesh from his bones, the Setite smiles_  
  
SETITE  
Ah... all... so... clear... now... Lord... Se- _(dies)_  
  
_And let's see if Lasombra can boss his way out of Louhi's trap... Doesn't look too promising_  
  
LASOMBRA  
Why are you doing this? I thought you worshipped me!  
  
LOUHI _(Winks)_  
You know that "Blood Bond" thing?  
Well, due to Withering  
It's wearing kinda thin...  
  
_She sinks her fangs in Lasombra's throat. In a moment, the shady bastard is dust and Louhi is radiating with power_  
  
LOUHI  
This old gal will rule the land  
Just the way I always planned  
Stir beneath the waves and sand!  
  
_Summoned by Louhi, a giant lizard-like sea monster rises from the sea in Helsinki, rampaging through the downtown. As the lizard passes the central railway station, a guy waiting for the night bus winks and waves at the audience_  
  
_The lizard stomps him into fine paste_  
  
_Finally it arrives at the senate square, sitting on top of the cathedral. Louhi levitates to the lizard and pats it_  
  
LOUHI  
My beautiful Iku-Turso! You will help me conquer this land! Then we shall take Sweden and use their bridge to storm Denmark! The fools will never know what hit them! The reign of Clan Louhi has just b-  
  
_The lizard eats her_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
Checkmate.  
  
**NEXT in Act 8:**  
Absimiliard's revenge!  



	18. Act 8: Ugly Heart

Crucible of God spoilers.  
  
**UGLY HEART**  
or "Absimiliard's Song"  
  
_Absimiliard, the Nosferatu Antediluvian, is sitting in the belly of his giant lizard, riding it south-west from Finland. It's really dark in the belly, so Absimiliard is getting bored. He starts crooning in a Gollum-esque way_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
They all think I'm a freak  
I hear them when they speak  
"He's a caveman, an ugly brute"  
  
_He grins to himself_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
And so I learned to hide  
Now I won't be denied  
And I will rip their skins so smooth!  
  
_Sarah the Shaper, the unknown Antediluvian from the Gehenna book (I believe she's the Embraced twin of Bob the Builder), appears and starts bombarding the lizard with clay pots_  
  
SARAH THE SHAPER  
I'll redecorate your haven, you big meanie you!  
  
_I probably don't have to say what the lizard does to her. Anyway, the brief meeting makes Absimiliard a bit sentimental and he starts to reminisce_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
My sire marred my face  
When fighting to Embrace  
Just to show off, before the kill  
  
_He lets out a phlegmy chuckle_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
She'll bother me no more  
I killed that stupid whore  
But after that, all went downhill  
  
_He shrugs and begins the chorus_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
Caine said "You have an ugly heart"  
He said that's where my troubles start  
So now my complexion is "wart"  
Because I had an ugly heart  
  
_The lizard roams through Central Europe. As a test of it's abilities, Absimiliard has makes it pick up a man with it's claws_  
  
THE TESTMAN  
Help! I PHEAR the giant lizard!  
  
_But the lizard shows no pity. It gobbles him down. In the belly Absimiliard grabs the poor man_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
I hate e-ve-ryone  
And it's easily done  
Since after all, they all hate me  
  
_He drinks him dry, knowing that the blood won't nourish him. What do you expect? He's is a frickin' misanthrope!_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
Yes, even my own clan  
Will perish by my hand  
Since after all, they should not be  
  
_His army of ghouled monsters rises from the earth and sea to follow the lizard. With Ravnos and Tzimisce dead and Ennoia pacified, he is now the only master of Animalism left to control the hordes of...you guessed it_  
  
_Mice._  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
I'll make sure someone dies  
For now I have my mice!  
And my revenge will be so sweet!  
  
_The lizard crosses the French border and starts heading towards Paris. Absimiliard's voice resonates from the beast's belly, more hateful than ever_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
So Arikel, my babe  
Let's have a final date  
Oh yes, let's make old lovers meet!  
  
_The tone becomes a bit more wistful with the chorus_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
She said "You're ugly, like your heart"  
And then she swiftly did depart  
My belly sags, my ass is scarred  
It's all thanks to my ugly heart  
  
_The lizard and the ghoul mice arrive at the outskirts of what was previously known as Paris. Now it has transformed into an outrageously beautiful fairy-tale city, which somehow still maintains an aura of dignity and style. Absimiliard continues with more resolve_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
Perhaps I have an ugly heart  
And maybe I'm not all that smart  
Her limb by limb I'll tear apart  
I know this in my ugly heart!  
  
_With this the lizard rushes into the city_  
  
_Arikel is currently listening to her servants chanting 'Ode to the Great Arikel' verse #462. Villon approaches her_  
  
VILLON  
Your elaborate marvelousness, I must inform you that Absimiliard's force is closing in on us!  
  
_Arikel stands up, and waves her perfectly petite hand to silence the servants, prompting an 'ahhh' from the crowds_  
  
ARIKEL  
Here comes he with an ugly heart  
To storm my beautiful rampart  
His blood could be my winning card  
So I'll consume his ugly heart!  
  
VILLON _(Nodding eagerly)_  
What should WE do, most sweaty-naughty-feelings-causing one?  
  
ARIKEL  
Deal with them!  
  
VILLON  
At once, most glamorous yet tasteful one!  
  
_Villon leads the fanatic hordes of Parisians against Absimiliard's mice and the giant lizard. Absimiliard's monsters fight valiantly, but are no match to the crazed Frenchman who commands legion after legion of combat bards, ninja dancers and painters of mass destruction. The giant lizard wavers and falls. Dazed Absimiliard stumbles from it's mouth_  
  
ARIKEL  
Francois! Be a dear and grab him before he escapes!  
  
VILLON _(Pleading)_  
Please, o groove-tastic one! I don't wish to *touch* him!  
  
ARIKEL  
Francois... Don't make me use my important voice!  
  
VILLON _(Sighs)_  
Very well, o glittering, glistening Arikel.  
  
_He attacks Absimiliard with inhuman speed and grabs his arms in a lock from behind. The butt-ugly ancient laughs_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
You think you've won? You forget that I have an elite squad of god-like Methuselahs who have transcended vampiric powers! Nicktuku! Attack!  
  
_Arikel looks a bit worried. The sight of her trembling lower lip immediately prompts thousands of people to hopelessly weep and commit suicide_  
  
ABSIMILIARD _(Maniacal laughter)_  
Hahahaha! Kill them all!  
  
_Nothing happens_  
  
ABSIMILIARD _(Confused)_  
I'm sure they'll arrive any second now...  
  
_Nothing still happens_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
Shit! Where ARE they?  
  
_Cut to a room with some of the Nicktuku lying dead and bloodied on the floor and others badly wounded. The Nicktuku Vasilisa looks around, half his teeth missing and his left hand bent in an unnatural angle_  
  
VASILISA _(Weakly)_  
Guys? I think we underestimated this bastard Childe...  
  
_Suddenly he is pinned down by The Largest Arms in the World of Darkness®_  
  
EL DIABLO VERDE  
_ARRRRRRRRRRRIBA LA RAZA_!! Come and get it _rudos_! Have you no _cojones_? Face _la mascara verde_ you cowardly _niñitas!_  
  
_Cut back to Paris. Arikel smiles sadly (causing a thousand people to drop to their knees) and approaches Absimiliard_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
Again you broke my ugly heart  
For you, I guess, it is an art  
  
_Arikel strokes his hideous face, almost pitying the wretched thing_  
  
ARIKEL  
But now we'll never be apart  
For I'll consume your ugly heart  
  
_A single tear of blood rolls down her cheek as she diablerizes him. Every mortal within a ten mile radius drops dead from the sheer angsty tragedy of it all. When the deed is done, a gentle rain washes the streets. Arikel sighs and addresses Villon_  
  
ARIKEL _(Weakly)_  
Francois?  
  
VILLON _(Worried)_  
Yes, most tingly and wonderful one?  
  
ARIKEL _(Tired)_  
I think I need a relaxing bath. Prepare the scented candles!  
  
VILLON _(Relieved)_  
Yes ma'am! Do you require three hundred oiled and muscular male slaves to administer the loofah, or will two hundred suffice?  
  
ARIKEL _(Yawns)_  
Let's make it three hundred. I think I've earned it.  
  
**NEXT in Act 9:**  
Uncle G!  



	19. Act 9: Uncle G!

  
**UNCLE G!**  
or "A Necromancer's Dream"  
  
_Augustus Giovanni is having the best night he can remember. The grand majority of his clan has arrived at the Giovanni headquarters in Venice for a giant feast in his honour. Everyone is seated at a large table, with Augustus, of course, sitting at the top. There's a number of vampires staked along the lenght of the table, for easy feeding. A band is playing chamber music_  
  
_Augustus stands up and clears his throat_  
  
AUGUSTUS   
My dear friends and clanmates! To think that merely a year ago we had almost given up on the plan of Endless Night! Who would have guessed that we'd live to see...  
  
ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE _(Cutting him off)_  
Boo! Don't say live! Say unlive!  
  
AUGUSTUS _(Ignoring him)_  
...to see Gehenna come and cause enough mortal deaths for us to reinstate the plan and start tearing the Shroud almost immediately?   
  
_Everybody cheers and Pochtli, the progenitor of the Pisanob bloodline, stands up_  
  
POCHTLI  
Everyone! I'd like to announce that last night I diablerized the Capuchin in order to better serve the clan!  
  
_There's light-hearted laughter and random applause at this. Pocthli seats himself, and Isabel, the Giovanni spy inside the Camarilla, stands up_  
  
ISABEL  
We also have complete control over what remains of the world's goverments!  
  
ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE   
Boo! Vampires don't "control" anything, they "influence"!  
  
ISABEL _(Muttering, sits down)_  
Obviously you have never played a Hunter game...  
  
_Augustus picks a mummified claw from the table and shakes it. A transparent ghost of a hulking man materializes hovering over the table_  
  
AMBROGINO  
Greetings, Augustus. We have almost finished extracting the greatest warrior ever from an ashtray I found in the Shadowlands. When we ghoul him he will make a fine champion for the clan.  
  
ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE   
Boo! Hiss! "Ghoul" is not a verb! Boo!  
  
AUGUSTUS _(Getting angry)_  
Okay, can somebody shut that guy up? He's being really immature and clearly has no loyalty to the clan!  
  
ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE   
Ha! Vampires don't have loyalty to anyone! And they are unable to mature emotionally! Ha ha!  
  
_The annoying neonate sticks his tongue at Augustus. Then, suddenly, he has his head chopped off by a rather zealous Dunsirn_  
  
DUNSIRN  
Ach, nobody likes'em preachy, laddie!  
  
AUGUSTUS  
Thank you! Now, where were we, Ambrogino?  
  
AMBROGINO  
Well, I took the liberty of arranging a little something which I'm sure will please you.  
  
_He signals the band. The music switches to a cheery marching tone. Enter Victoria Ash, the winsome Toreador minx, dressed like Liza Minelli in Cabaret (or Catherine Zeta-Jones in the beginning of Chicago). Mad cheering from the guests. She starts to sing and dance in a flashy manner_  
  
ASH  
There is a clan  
A certain clan  
To tear the Shroud  
and make us proud  
They will do all they can  
  
_She starts pawing Augustus while dancing around him. Augustus winks at the guests. Laughter_  
  
ASH  
Led by a chap  
Who's bald and fat  
He ain't no pansy   
Necromancy   
Shows him where it's at  
  
_She grabs a chair and dances around it, provoking more cheers from her audience_  
  
ASH  
Who likes it when  
His stats read "Ten"?  
But wouldn't get   
A bit upset  
If he were fifteenth gen!  
  
_She struts confidently towards the table, flashing a winning smile_  
  
ASH  
A massive frame  
That knows no shame  
I'll bet your head   
you're not undead  
If you don't know his name!  
  
_She jumps on the table and addresses the guests_  
  
ASH  
Who could it be?  
  
EVERYONE  
Who could it be?  
  
ASH  
It's Uncle G!  
  
EVERYONE  
It's Auggie G!  
_(Augustus glares at them)_  
He doesn't like that "Auggie"  
He likes good old Uncle G!  
  
_Ash beckons Augustus to join her in the dance. Augustus laughs and shakes his head modestly_  
  
AUGUSTUS  
I can't dance!  
  
_Ambrogino starts clapping his hands encouragingly, with other guests joining in as the verse goes on_  
  
ASH  
Whose constant wish  
Is Proxy Kiss?  
And for his friends  
He always tends  
To do exactly this?  
  
_Augustus finally shrugs and stands up shaking his huge booty next to Ash. The guests cheer_  
  
ASH  
Who slyly winks  
And ups the kinks?  
  
_Augustus grabs her in his arms and they finish the verse together_  
  
AUGUSTUS & ASH  
Who'll mix a brew  
In Vessel True  
And pass it 'round for drinks?  
  
ASH  
Now is it Tzim?  
  
EVERYONE  
It can't be him!  
  
_She points at Augustus, who returns to his chair_  
  
ASH  
I must confess  
If you can't guess  
Your fates will be quite grim!  
  
_Everyone toasts and sings merrily_  
  
EVERYONE  
Who could it be?  
Who could it be?  
It's Uncle G!  
It's Auggie G!  
He doesn't like that "Auggie"  
He likes good old Uncle G!  
  
_Ash sits on Augustus' lap. He claps his hands excitedly and chuckles_  
  
AUGUSTUS  
Oh boy! This is the best night EVER!  
  
AMBROGINO  
Did I mention we have almost completed a version of the Red Sign ritual that allows you to remain immortal and powerful while withstanding sun and enjoying great sex?  
  
_Ash cuddles closer to Augustus and whispers something in his ear. He blushes_  
  
AMBROGINO  
And I have a perfect copy of the Sargon Fragment ready for all your God-diablerizing needs...  
  
_He takes a piece of pergament from a large bear_  
  
AMBROGINO  
Thank you, bear.  
  
_Augustus looks puzzled and turns to look at Ash. Her head has turned into that of a large dog. He jumps off his chair, shocked_  
  
AUGUSTUS  
WHAT THE HELL?  
  
_Everyone points and laughs at Augustus. He is angry and confused, but then realizes something..._  
  
_He is completely naked_  
  
AUGUSTUS  
Oh shit...  
  
_Cut to Augustus suddenly waking up on the cold floor of the hidden city of Kaymakli_  
  
AUGUSTUS _(VERY disappointed)_  
Oh, man. This place really fucks with your dreams...  
  
_He hears someone coming down the hallways_  
  
AUGUSTUS  
Figures... Someone's coming to kill me and I'm too weak to put up a decent fight. *Sigh* Well, let's hope it's someone important, like the Capuchin or the Harbingers.  
  
_Needless to say... It isn't_  
  
THE CAITIFF POSSE  
You know what to do guys: LET'S GET IT ON!!!  
  
_The corpulent necromancer fights bravely against the coterie of Caitiffs but there is no way to escape Deus ex Machina_  
  
AUGUSTUS  
...Crap.  
  
_He dies, his spirit entering the Shadowlands where it's immediately attacked by a legion of ghosts_  
  
AUGUSTUS  
Are you the ghosts my clan has abused and humiliated over the centuries?  
  
GHOST #1  
Well... not exactly. We are the ghosts of all completely normal and average Italians.  
  
AUGUSTUS _(Astonished)_  
But there's so MANY of you!  
  
GHOST #2  
We're here to make you pay for flaunting your unoriginal stereotypical mafia family! And for building a FRICKING SKYSCRAPER! IN VENICE!  
  
AUGUSTUS  
Buh-buh-but we fixed that in the Revised edition! All that Mafia-nonsense! Just like the Assamites and Ravnos and...  
  
GHOST #3  
Blah blah blah. It's time to pay, Incesto-boy!  
  
AUGUSTUS  
Incest? It's a relative concept.  
  
_Everyone falls silent_  
  
AUGUSTUS _(Laughing nervously)_  
Get it? Relative...hee hee...It's funny, incest and...heh, relatives.  
  
_The ghosts start tearing him to shreds. Two figures watch from a distance_  
  
THE CAPUCHIN  
So Baron, you wanna interfere?  
  
BARON SAMEDI  
Nah. I'm just here to review the scene.  
  
THE CAPUCHIN  
Exactly what I was thinking.  
  
_Finally the last pieces of Augustus' soul are competely annihilated. Baron Samedi takes off his hat_  
  
BARON SAMEDI  
You were a real bastard, Auggie. I'm glad you're dead.  
  
_Suddenly the Capuchin lunges at him_  
  
BARON SAMEDI  
Hey! I thought we were on the same side!  
  
THE CAPUCHIN  
That's the OLD Capuchin you're thinking of!  
  
_He sinks his fangs into the Baron's throat_  
  
BARON SAMEDI  
Damn all these mysterious hooded characters! _(Dies)_  
  
**Next in Act 10:**  
Beckett-san!  



	20. Act 10: OH! You Heroic Gangrel Man!

  
MAJOR Gehenna novel spoilers! I mean it!  
  
**OH! YOU HEROIC GANGREL-MAN!**  
or "The last vampire action hero"  
  
_Beckett, the Gangrel archaeologist, is standing on a cliff, looking at the desert stars. His back is turned towards the audience. Suddenly a cheery piano overture begins. A female voice starts to sing in Japanese, and the English subtitles appear_  
  
FEMALE SINGER  
High above the Red Star shines  
One man looks up to the skies  
  
_The camera spins around Beckett to face him, as a male voice sings, also in Japanese and subtitled_  
  
MALE SINGER  
Tries to save the Cainite race  
When the world is set ablaze...  
  
_Becket tosses his hair and gives the camera a thumbs up. Cheesy rock guitars and synthezisers start to play. A montage begins with various scenes: Beckett running down a hall, Beckett shifting into a wolf, Beckett cradling a baby and Beckett defusing a bomb_  
  
BOTH SINGERS  
OH! You heroic Gangrel-man!  
Up and down the world you ran!  
Foil the ancient's masterplan!  
Seek out the temples deserted  
You'll see the doomsday averted  
Help, before we're all undone  
You can do it, Beckett-san!  
  
_Cut to a powershot of Beckett, Lucita and Anatole marching on a moonlit street_  
  
MALE SINGER  
Peace and love and truth defends  
Always there to save his friends  
  
_Cut to Lucita being chased by hundreds of pale fanboys. Suddenly Beckett swings by on a rope and grabs her to safety. Lucita looks at him adoringly_  
  
FEMALE SINGER  
He's Lucita's shield towards  
All the horny fanboy hordes  
  
_Cut to Beckett cutting paper dolls out of ancient manuscripts to amuse Anatole_  
  
MALE SINGER  
He'll make Anatole smile  
As the bodies start to pile  
  
_Cut to Beckett and "Kapaneus" riding across downtown Tokyo in the cockpit of a giant humanoid robot (Hey, it's Beckett! He *could* do that!)_  
  
FEMALE SINGER  
He doesn't believe in Caine!  
Hangs out with him all the same!  
  
_Chorus. Cut to Beckett facing off a large Assamite warrior, Beckett in a car chase, Beckett shoveling sand and Beckett singing karaoke in drag_  
  
BOTH SINGERS  
OH! You heroic Gangrel-man!  
Ev'ry Cainite is your fan!  
Finest member of your clan!  
Find the purpose of your kind  
See, when others are too blind  
Without you Gehenna ain't fun  
Please believe us, Beckett-san!  
  
_Cut to Beckett rummaging through a museum storage room as the C-part plays_  
  
MALE SINGER  
Get a Noddist artifact!  
  
FEMALE SINGER  
Gotta find some more!  
Gotta find some more!  
  
_Hardestadt emerges from behind a crate and grabs his arm_  
  
MALE SINGER  
Try to avoid Hardestadt!  
  
FEMALE SINGER  
He is at your door!  
He is at your door!  
  
_Beckett turns into mist and flees. Hardestadt is left shaking his fist_  
  
MALE SINGER  
Won't find his elusive stats  
Written up in any splats  
  
_Cut to Beckett getting his boots polished by Cesare_  
  
FEMALE SINGER  
He would never have a ghoul  
One exception makes the rule  
  
_Cut to Beckett scrathing his head in front of a giant bookshelf made of bones and skin_  
  
MALE SINGER  
Here's another test to pass  
For that crafty Vykos has  
  
FEMALE SINGER  
Organized it's library  
Like guys in High Fidelity!  
  
_Vykos steps in through the door, looking at Beckett furiously_  
  
BOTH SINGERS  
Look out, Beckett, here he comes!  
  
_Vykos begins chasing Beckett around a flescrafted table, waving a absurdly large meatcleaver, as the chorus plays_  
  
BOTH SINGERS  
OH! You heroic Gangrel-man!  
All the ancient tombs you scan!  
Learn the way it all began!  
Hot like Croft and cool like Jones  
Beckett rules and Beckett owns  
Others like you there are none  
We all love you, Beckett-san!  
  
_A giant text "The adventures of Beckett" is displayed in Kanji_  
  
BOTH SINGERS  
Keep on fighting, Beckett-san!  
  
_The song ends with a slow motion shot of Beckett leaping out of a exploding skyscraper_  
  
_We find Beckett in a tricky situation. He has been captured by three people who want him killed: The Ventrue Hardestadt, Jenna Cross, the thin-blooded firebrand and Okulos, Beckett's traitorous ex-ally. Beckett is chained to a dungeon wall_  
  
HARDESTADT  
We finally have you, Beckett! Prepare to meet your doom!  
  
BECKETT  
But why? I never did anything to any of you!  
  
OKULOS  
EXCUSE ME?  
  
BECKETT  
OK, so I never did anything to _most_ of you! So what's the deal?  
  
HARDESTADT  
Well, I for one just like chaining people to a wall and torturing them for kicks. Why, I remember way back in 1444, when some fledglings... _(Trails off)_  
  
BECKETT _(Ignoring him)_  
How about you... what's your name again?   
  
_He looks at Jenna, who jumps and grabs Okulos' arm_  
  
JENNA _(Screaming)_  
HOLY SHIT! Don't look at me! _(To Okulos, who nods)_ See? He's trying to kill me again! _(To Beckett)_ AARGH! Stop it, you sadist!   
  
_Hardestadt, completely oblivious to everything else, is still continuing his monologue_  
  
HARDESTADT _(Waving his hands, describing)_  
...pulled out a pair of guns. And then she was like "This time, stay dead!" BANG! BANG! Oh boy, she thought she had me there! But was like "Not a chance, bi-aatch!"... Anyway, after that, I...  
  
JENNA _(To Okulos)_  
I just remembered, I have to go check on Uncle Jack. I haven't heard from him lately, I hope he's OK.  
  
OKULOS _(Nervously)_  
Yes... Heh, I'm sure he is.  
  
_Jenna leaves_  
  
HARDESTADT _(Still going strong)_  
...so they were basically like "OK, we're screwed". But then I went like "Hey, have you guys tried diablerizing some neonates? I do it all the time for fun and this Withering doesn't seem to affect me". And they were like "Really?"... _(Realizes something)_ Oh, look at the time! I have to go. You take care of him, old boy.  
  
OKULOS  
Gladly!  
  
_Hardestadt leaves and Okulos pulls out his Methuselah-Destroying Flare Gun of Doom_  
  
OKULOS  
Time to pay!  
  
BECKETT  
WAIT! If you let me go, I'll let you have something very special I found lying around in the Tremere Vienna chantry. Something that Etrius stole for himself...  
  
OKULOS  
I'm not sure you realize how much I despise you. What could you possibly have to make me change my mind?  
  
BECKETT  
The Very Secret Diary of Goratrix!  
  
OKULOS _(Without hesitation)_  
Gimme!  
  
_Okulos opens Beckett's chains. He hands him an old book and then quietly slips away as the Nosferatu immerses himself in centuries-old rants_  
  
OKULOS  
Oh boy! _(Reading out loud)_ "Etrius got his ass kicked tonight by two Brujah neonates and their Cappadocian groupie. Sweet! I tried to give him a hard time about it, but he just laughed and said that at least he hadn't cut off his own dick like some people. I hate Etrius. I hate him I hate him I hate him! Oh well. Still the prettiest."  
  
_Suddenly a laughing hunter lunges from the shadows and starts whooping Okulos' ass_  
  
OKULOS  
What are you laughing about? And what are you doing here? This is non-crossover territory!  
  
THE LAUGHING HUNTER  
Haha! Bull! The novels are UNIFIED! Hahhahhaa!   
  
OKULOS  
Shit, he's right! _(Shoots his Methuselah-Destroying Flare Gun of Doom)_ Eat this!  
  
_The laughing hunter dies, but has the last laugh_  
  
THE LAUGHING HUNTER  
Ha... Ha. The future, too... is... heheheheheheh-*urk*!  
  
OKULOS  
That was creepy.  
  
**NEXT in Act 11:**  
Hardestadt, De Corazon and Tyler!  



	21. Act 11: Good Times & Debate

  
Two very small general Gehenna spoilers  
  
**GOOD TIMES / DEBATE**  
or "Hardestadt's Gaunlet"  
  
_Rafael de Corazon, one of the founders of Camarilla, is sitting in an old study. Out on the street a rabble of thinbloods and Anarchs throw rocks at his windows. Hardestadt enters, looking depressed_  
  
HARDESTADT  
It's not pretty out there, Rafael.  
  
DE CORAZON  
I know. We have to go and talk some sense to them, calm them down a bit.  
  
HARDESTADT  
We? Couldn't someone else...  
  
_De Corazon slams his fist into the table_  
  
DE CORAZON  
There isn't anyone else! Madamoiselle Banes' head exploded last week and Madame Fanchon melted into a puddle of goo! We're the last members of the Inner Circle! We have no choice!  
  
HARDESTADT _(Sighs)_  
I guess you're right. I just wish...  
  
DE CORAZON  
What?  
  
HARDESTADT _(Shaking his head)_  
It's nothing. It just, when we started the Camarilla, I wanted...  
  
_He starts to sing in a wistful, blues-y tone_  
  
HARDESTADT  
Vamps of ev'ry manner  
Under one big banner  
So I  
Made all the Anarch's cry  
Yes, I:  
"The Camarilla guy"  
  
_He takes a vitae-filled whiskey glass from the table and looks into it, spinning the liquid around_  
  
HARDESTADT  
And that was my intent  
I always thought it went  
So well  
Now it's all gone to hell  
Oh well  
Let's hope that they can't tell  
  
_He downs the glass in one gulp. De Corazon walks to him_  
  
DE CORAZON  
But think of the good times we had  
Was Camarilla just a fad?  
500 years, that ain't half bad  
Old Hardy Senior would be glad  
If he saw the good times we had  
  
_Hardestadt walks to the window, looking down at the vampire demonstrators_  
  
HARDESTADT  
I saw Childe fighting Sire  
And started a cease fire  
So sure  
That I had found the cure  
Oh, sure  
I thought it would endure  
  
_De Corazon pats him on the back_  
  
DE CORAZON  
A speech! For old times sake  
I think there's time to make  
Oh boy  
They'll sit back and enjoy  
Old boy  
As we present our ploy  
  
_They make their way towards the door_  
  
HARDESTADT & DE CORAZON  
Let's think of the good times we had  
Was wanting stability mad?  
And if we've failed, we won't be sad  
We'll show these upstarts who's their dad  
And honor the good times we had!  
  
_They step outside on the stairs of the building to face the hordes of demonstrators. Leading them is Tyler, the quintessential Brujah Anarch. Hardestadt walks up to her and pokes her chest with his finger_  
  
HARDESTADT  
I've been through a lot of shit  
And most of that's because of YOU  
I'm not worried, not a bit  
So c'mon, girl, let's see this through!  
  
_Tyler looks him in the eyes and grimaces_  
  
TYLER  
Lately, weird things have occurred  
Like this whole global Withering  
  
_Hardestadt spreads his arms_  
  
HARDESTADT  
Really folks? That's quite absurd!  
Why, I for one feel like a king!  
  
_He throws an impressive pose and the crowd goes "Wow!". Then, all of a sudden, he starts coughing and spitting blood. He recomposes himself and grins_  
  
HARDESTADT  
Excuse me, everyone, I have to go to the little Elder's room.  
  
_He points at a random neonate_  
  
HARDESTADT  
You seem to be no one of importance. Come and FOLLOW me inside. Rafael, hold the fort.  
  
_He goes back inside the building. The neonate, his eyes glazed over, follows. De Corazon steps up, looking stern, and addresses the crowd on the subject he knows best_  
  
DE CORAZON  
Even in these trying times  
We must the Masquerade uphold  
Yes, in fact for all the crimes  
The punishments should be tenfold!  
  
_Tyler doesn't buy it_  
  
TYLER  
You can stand there smirking  
We'll give the Masquerade last rites  
We heard that Brussels's working  
On "The Bill of Cainite Rights"!  
  
_There's a scream from inside the building. Hardestadt returns, wiping his mouth and looking a lot healthier_  
  
HARDESTADT  
So... Where were we?  
  
_Tyler resumes her rant_  
  
TYLER  
"Ancients aren't real, they're just  
A myth", you said, "Or dead, at least"  
Yet it's somehow hard to trust  
When on the streets the ancients feast!  
  
HARDESTADT _(Shrugs)_  
I really don't know what to say  
Such crazy thoughts run in your head  
I swear that everything's OK...  
Perhaps you are of Malkav's get?  
  
TYLER _(Furious)_  
Time to drop the act, you fake  
I'll say this once, and not again:  
We KNOW the Ancients are awake...  
  
HARDESTADT _Cutting her off_  
Where is the Ventrue founder, then?  
  
_Tyler is about to respond, but her voice is drowned by a horde of Camarilla Yes-men, who emerge from the building to mock the crowd with a limerick_  
  
CAMARILLA YES-MEN _(Nyah nyah)_  
You always said: "Blue-blooded clan  
Is part of some big masterplan"  
Well, that was untrue  
The first of Ventrue  
Was nowhere when shit hit the fan!  
  
_Hearing this, an Assamite neonate in period clothing jumps up_  
  
PRINCE MITHRAS/MONTY COVEN  
What about MY 3rd gen Sire?  
Was he just a stinking liar?  
  
_Hardestadt looks at him sneakily_  
  
HARDESTADT  
Perhaps you've done diablerie...  
  
_A gale of wind blows past, carrying a voice_  
  
HAQIM'S VOICE  
He has! Because he's friends with me!  
  
_The wind blows through the crowd, exsanguinating vampires by the dozens before calming down. Tyler looks at Hardestadt and laughs_  
  
TYLER  
I think I have all the evidence I need now.  
  
_She turns to leave, but Hardestadt grabs her arm_  
  
HARDESTADT  
One word about this to anyone and I'll pull Resources on you!  
  
TYLER _(Incredulous)_  
Resources?  
  
HARDESTADT _(Furious)_  
YES! AND INFLUENCE! I could have your contacts unemployed and your haven reposessed just like that!  
  
_He pulls out a cell phone_  
  
TYLER  
Umm... You do realize that global infrastructure has just about collapsed completely?  
  
HARDESTADT  
Silence, wench! _Shaking the cell phone furiously_ "No signal"? Damnable machine, I ORDER you to get a signal!  
  
TYLER _(Sigh)_  
Fine, I'll do it the old fashioned way.  
  
_She pulls out a pair of archaic pistols, pointing them at Hardestadt. He blinks and looks at the weapons_  
  
HARDESTADT  
You... You saved those, Patricia? I'm touched!  
  
TYLER _(Blushing)_  
Well, you know, it's not every day a girl gets to shoot a strapping teutonic warlord...  
  
HARDESTADT _(Chuckle)_  
Come now, I'm not that special.  
  
_De Corazon just looks at them, his mouth hanging open. Tyler lowers the guns and grins_  
  
TYLER  
You know, H, now that I think of it, the Brujah Antediluvian hasn't turned up, either.  
  
HARDESTADT _(Slaps himself on the forehead)_  
You're right! That's something we have in common! _He offers his hand_ Friends?  
  
TYLER _(Takes it)_  
Friends!  
  
_They walk off. De Corazon just stands there_  
  
DE CORAZON  
Say... You all didn't just do a bunch of drugs, did you?  
  
_Meanwhile, orbiting the Earth in a giant space station, two Antediluvians, namely Troile and Ventrue, have watched the entire scene unfold on a huge monitor. Troile is rubbing Ventrue's neck. She leans to his ear_  
  
TROILE  
I have to say, when it comes to manipulating the fledglings, you're still the stud!  
  
VENTRUE  
I know, babe! Dominate 10 rules! Not to mention that everyone still thinks I'm dead!  
  
TROILE  
Dominating the writers of Gehenna into writing you off like that was a true masterstroke of Jyhad! _Starts to nibble at the back of his neck_ And damn sexy, too...  
  
VENTRUE _(Pushes her teasingly aside)_  
Easy there, tiger! There will be plenty of time for that after we... Say, what's that?  
  
_A red light is flashing in the control panel_  
  
TROILE  
Crap! Our orbit is decaying! Someone's been tampering with the power source! We're doomed!  
  
VENTRUE  
Who was it? Can we get a visual?  
  
TROILE  
I'm working on it! _A smaller viewscreen blinks on_ There! It's the core surveillance data from half an hour ago.  
  
_On the viewscreen, a hooded figure can be seen tampering with the space station's engines_  
  
TROILE  
Say... Is that the Capuchin?  
  
VENTRUE  
If you ask me, all these fucking hood-heads look the same.  
  
_The figure turns, notices the surveillance camera and waves cheerily, taking down his hood_  
  
_It's Set_  
  
TROILE & VENTRUE  
Fuck.  
  
**NEXT in Act 12:**  
A medley!  



	22. Act 12: Contingency Plans and Desperatio...

  
Spoilers for the Gehenna hardcover and novel  
  
**CONTINGENCY PLANS AND DESPERATION**  
or "Before the finale, we always have a medley"  
  
_A dark temple. Set is sitting in a giant comfy chair, smoking a pipe, spectacles pinched on his nose. He is immersed in the Gehenna book lying on his lap. Suddenly he looks up and notices the audience. He slams the book shut and grins_  
  
SET  
I know what happened - truth from lies  
And I can tell you - for a price  
_(Puts the pipe on a table, leans forward)_  
But since your urge to know is strong  
Let's deal with payment... later on  
  
_He waves his hand and air ripples, displaying the deathscenes of various Antediluvians_  
  
SET  
I blasted Ravnos from the sky  
Through Bell I made Tzimisce die  
Ventrue, Malkav, Auggie too  
My will was what Lasombra slew  
  
_He smiles smugly_  
  
SET  
Their plans, of course, all pale to mine  
_(Shrugs)_  
Still, have a peek... to pass your time  
  
_The air ripples and we see what others are planning_  
  
_Etrius has made his way to the Nephtali headquarters in London and is presenting his bold winning strategy to the leaders of the sect ["Easier than you think"]_  
  
ETRIUS  
It really is much easier than you think  
We'll simply use the names from Salt Lake City!  
It really is much easier than you think  
We'll slay the Antes and we'll show no pity!  
Let's use the Mormon files  
Employ our sneaky wiles  
And this ritual will make a global link  
It really is much easier than you thii-iink!  
  
_Ventrue and Troile are falling through the stratosphere in their celestial haven_  
  
VENTRUE  
We're going down  
We're going down  
Well, seems like I'll die after all  
  
TROILE  
It's so unfair  
It's so unfair  
Like Carthage was before the fall  
  
_Lambach, having finally overcome his fear of The Eldest, is rallying a large group of Sabbat vampires under his flag ["Where did we go wrong?"]_  
  
LAMBACH  
I was afraid, but that's the past  
Now I have seen the light  
Let's slay the Ancients to the last  
Let's show them we can fight!  
So won't you come along?  
Let's fix where we went wrong!  
  
_Rafael de Corazon hasn't given up the fight, running on the streets and trying to convince people nothing's really happening ["Destroy the Masquerade"]_  
  
DE CORAZON  
Please spare the Masquerade  
What a bunch of jerks  
Can't you show some decency  
To all my unlife's works?  
  
_Arikel standing on a large stage her minions have constructed in what was previously known as Paris. All around her ghouls are busy setting up the lighting, microphones and cameras. Villon is sitting in a director's chair. Arikel hums happily ["Ugly heart"]_  
  
ARIKEL  
They'll love me and my lovely heart  
And when this broadcast we will start  
Together all, we'll never part  
To me they'll gladly give their heart!  
  
_Haqim is blowing around, singling out vampires for exsanguination ["The Shepherd is here again"]_  
  
HAQIM  
The Shepherd is dead and gone  
But Haqim is going strong  
One by one - now I have time  
All heart's blood will be mine  
Because Haqim's still going strong!   
_Isabel Giovanni addresses her clanmates in the Giovanni Mausoleum in Venice ["Uncle G!"]_  
  
ISABEL  
There is a chance  
To work our plans  
The Shroud is thin  
And we can win  
So we will rule the clans!  
  
_The Nephtali sect and their mortal allies are dancing their way through the streets of Salt Lake City, Etrius is leading the way ["Easier than you think"]_  
  
NEPHTALI MEMBERS  
It really is much easier than we thought  
Nephtali and the mortals work together  
It really is much easier than we thought  
This new alliance shall be true forever  
A paradise on Earth  
Shall be given birth  
With the blood of Elders freedom shall be bought  
It really is much easier than we thoo-ught!  
  
_Philippe de Marseilles, the redeemed ex-vampire, and his Hermetic companion, Cecilia Lyons, are fleeing from the madness on the streets["How it turned out"]_  
  
PHILIPPE & CECILIA  
Let us find a little den  
A place to call our own  
We have seen what happens when  
The proud take on the Throne  
  
_Space debris from Ventrue's station hits them, brutally killing them both_  
  
_In San Fransisco, Prince Wilder is still caught up in the giant rave._  
  
WILDER  
I... hate... dancing...!  
  
_Lambach's army of Sabbat is marching towards the greatest recongnized Antideluvian stronghold in Paris ["Where did we go wrong?"]_  
  
LAMBACH  
They saw their Childer as no threat  
They thought we were just food  
We'll kill Arikel, Haqim, Set  
This time we wont get screwed!  
You know it won't be long  
We'll show them they were wrong!  
  
_Beckett is running around happily in a park, as the Japanese duet sings his theme song. Finally he earthmelds with the ground, waving to the camera ["OH! You heroic Gangrel-Man!"]_  
  
MALE & FEMALE JAPANESE SINGER  
OH! You heroic Gangrel-Man!  
You finally came to understand  
There was no giant masterplan  
No reason for you to exist  
No "Why there are vampires"-list  
Now your hard night's work is done  
Sayonara, Beckett-san!  
  
_In Paris, the preparations are almost ready for Arikel's "World-Wide Broadcast of Presence". She claps her hands excitedly, whirling on the stage ["Fashion, Raves & Snakes"]_  
  
ARIKEL  
Your beautiful queen  
I shall steal the scene  
With perfect teeth and perfect hair  
As fair as the sea  
Like sun I shall be  
And all shall love me and despair!  
  
_El Diablo Verde has constructed a giant metal cage and is waiting for the Antediluvians to join him in a final battle royale_  
  
EL DIABLO VERDE  
Come on! Arriba la Raza! I'm waiting!  
  
_The grand majority of Clan Giovanni has gathered to the Mausoleum to enact the Ritual of Endless Night ["Uncle G!"]_  
  
CLAN GIOVANNI  
Let's tear the Shroud  
When it's allowed  
The ghosts will rise  
Dead girls and guys  
The Skinlands they shall crowd!  
  
_We return to Set. He has put the Gehenna book aside and is painting a complex sigil on the temple floor. He stands up looking at the audience_  
  
SET  
All these schemes I set in motion  
My clan died with great devotion  
And I DON'T want my old clan back  
_(Shudders)_  
"We're evil. EEVIL! Have some crack."  
  
_He taps his nose_  
  
SET  
And as for me?  
Well, you shall see...  
  
_He lights a candle and we see the temple is filled with literally thousands of huge statues, carved to resemble the Typhonic Beast_  
  
SET  
The spirits of my faithful priests  
I'll house inside these ancient beasts  
My ancient lore, my knowledge banned  
You'll see, when darkness sweeps the land!  
  
_The music rises and we see everyone at the same time, singing on top of each other_  
  
TROILE & VENTRUE  
We'll hit the land...  
  
HAQIM  
My form of sand...  
  
DE CORAZON  
The Masquerade...  
  
ISABEL  
It's not too late...  
  
LAMBACH  
Where we went wrong...  
  
A BUNCH OF CAITIFF  
Let's get it on...  
  
ARIKEL  
And in my heart...  
  
ETRIUS  
My plan is smart...  
  
SET  
My ancient lore...  
  
INSPECTOR JAVERT  
One day more...  
  
_The music stops_  
  
SET _(Indignated)_  
Dude! Wrong musical! Get out! Shoo!  
  
_Javert walks off, mumbling "damn undead bastards think they're above the law..."_  
  
_Everyone joins in the passionate climax of the song, as we behold Etrius and the Nephtali spreading the Mormon computer printouts in a circle, Arikel preparing to start the broadcast as Lambach's army attacks the set, the Shroud beginning to break in Venice, El Diablo Verde waiting, Haqim blowing (sorry, I had to), de Corazon watching the skies as Ventrue's space station burns in the stratosphere and Set chanting in his ritual circle_  
  
EVERYONE  
The future's right in front of us  
And now we all can see  
Through all our plans and all our fuss  
It was all meant to be  
The next world is a-coming  
Is there room for you and me?  
The cogs of fate are turning  
And we're granted clarity  
We will know...  
  
When they show...  
  
The World of Darkness...   
  
TWO! POINT! OH!  
  
_And everything freezes_  
  
_In a cave, somewhere in the Middle East, three people climb out of a deep, deep well_  
  
MYSTERY MAN #1  
And we are back. Not that I doubted it for a moment, after all, it was me who checked the calculations. And no-one's as rational and logical...  
  
MYSTERY MAN #2  
We get it! Don't forget it was ME who actually brought us back! So, how'd you two like being well and truly dead? Not bad, huh?  
  
_The third guy bursts in an evil overlord laugh_  
  
MYSTERY MAN #3   
MWAHAHA! My evil plan is proceeding! _(Coughs, continues softly)_ Oh, I didn't like it. All those dead people. Horribly sad. Yes.  
  
MYSTERY MAN #2  
So, are we ready to do this?  
  
MYSTERY MAN #3  
Certainly, captain! With my knowledge of the soul...  
  
MYSTERY MAN #1  
... My understanding of temporal mechanics...  
  
MYSTERY MAN #2  
... And my mastery over death, no-one can stop us!  
  
_The camera pans the cave and for the first time, we notice something hanging on the wall_  
  
_Three masks_  
  
MYSTERY MAN #3 _(Insane laughter)_  
Endgame! Mwahahaha! FUCKING ENDGAME! MWAHAHAHA!  
  
MYSTERY MAN #2  
You always say that.  
  
MYSTERY MAN #1  
Anyone else have a sense of Deja vu?  
  
MYSTERY MAN #2  
You *always* say that.  
  
**NEXT in Act 13:**  
Fucking Endgame!  
  



	23. Act 13: Finale Part 1

  
Tiny Gehenna spoilers  
  
**FINALE (Part 1)**  
or "Back to the big house"  
  
_We pick up where we left off. Everything is frozen in time, from Etrius' ritual to Lambach's raid on Paris. The three mysterious men remain unfrozen preparing a giant ritual in their lair_  
  
MYSTERY MEN  
All these endings myriad  
Were not what we expected  
God's Wormwood or the Great Jyhad  
All these things we rejected  
Let's bring all the Antes back  
Let us call them from their lairs   
So we can stage a sneak attack  
On the God that hardly cares  
  
MYSTERY MAN #1  
We'll turn the clock back to achieve our goals!  
  
MYSTERY MAN #2  
We'll bring back their spirits...  
  
MYSTERY MAN #3  
...and their souls!  
  
MYSTERY MEN  
So be it!  
  
_Reality goes wonky. As Arikel's followers fight Lambach's hordes, the scene is suddenly overlapped by a ghost-image of a perfectly normal evening in Paris. Buildings ruined by Tzimisce in New York knit themselves back together. Screaming spirits fly through the air only to vanish. A bright light envelopes everything. As the light subsides, we see..._  
  
_A vampire is running down a street. It's Pentweret, the Setite from Lair of the Hidden. He is trying to escape a toxic-looking red mist that fills the street behind him. He sees a cathedral and hurries towards it. Reaching the doors, he is greeted by maliciously grinning face..._  
  
PENTWERET _(Shocked)_  
Master Saulot!  
  
SAULOT  
Sorry. _(Slams the door in his face)_ We're full.  
  
_We get a view inside the cathedral. Scattered around the place are 17 vampires: The 13 clanfounders, the diablerist trio of Tremere, Augustus & Troile, and a white Gargoyle who is chained tightly to the wall and staked through his heart. Saulot returns from the door and addresses everyone_  
  
SAULOT  
Welcome to this sacred hall  
Three and Thirteen, gathered all  
All who once have been third gen  
Now have the chance to plot again  
  
_He grins_  
  
SAULOT  
God's plan for us does not mean shit  
Let's bend the laws a little bit  
We used all our strongest tools  
Wormwood's back... with our rules  
  
_He looks at the Gargoyle_   
  
SAULOT  
Oh, and don't mind Mr. Ferox here. I'm sure he's only glad to lend us his place.  
  
_The Antediluvians look at each other, bewildered_  
  
ABSIMILIARD  
Ravnos, you old crook! I haven't seen you in ages! Where were you during Gehenna?  
  
_Ravnos blushes and looks away_  
  
SAULOT _(Embarassed)_  
Ah yes, our friend Ravnos. Ahem. I'm afraid, he sort of... got too excited and... finished prematurely.  
  
RAVNOS  
I'm so ashamed.  
  
ARIKEL  
Aww, sweetie. It happens to all the guys every now and then... _(Glances at Absimiliard)_ Or so I'm told.  
  
_Malkav, or rather two little girls who are Malkav, start screaming_  
  
MALKAVS #1 & #2  
Is this shit canon? Fuck Saulot and his cop-out endings! Have you any idea how many metaplot issues we had that needed solving!  
  
_Set slides next to them_  
  
SET  
Come now, this is merely an opportunity to write a NEW canon. Something of our very own...  
  
_They start whispering enthusiastically. Tremere has been observing Tzimisce's true human form for a while. He laughs and points at his face_  
  
TREMERE  
What a huge nose!  
Now everyone knows  
Why he would learn Vicissitude...  
  
SAULOT  
Hey, there's no need to be rude!  
  
_Tzimisce looks at Tremere angrily_  
  
TZIMISCE  
Are my Disciplines intact...  
You don't mind if I try?  
_(Pulls Tremere's arm clean from the socket)_  
It appears they are, in fact  
So cry, big baby, cry!  
  
SAULOT  
Do try to behave. Now be a good lad and give Tremere his arm back.  
  
_Tzimisce sticks Tremere's arm fingers first in his side_   
  
TZIMISCE  
Fine, here's your arm back. Crybaby.  
  
TREMERE  
Why Saulot... I didn't know you cared!  
  
SAULOT _(Blushing)_  
Well, it sort of feels like my body too... You know?  
  
MALKAV #1 _(Looks up)_  
What the fuck? Tremere has ARMS?!?!  
  
_Malkav #2 slaps Malkav #1, and they continue plotting with Set_  
  
LASOMBRA _(Chuckles)_  
Ennoia, you've lost weight! About aplanet's worth, I'd say.  
  
ENNOIA_(Unamused)_  
And you've gained some substance since I last saw you. So what's your poin-_*Silence*_  
  
_Suddenly, all sounds become muted. Everybody looks confused. They look around and see Haqim standing in a pile of ash where Augustus used to be. He grins and drops the silence_  
  
VENTRUE _(Disgusted)_  
Honestly...  
  
HAQIM  
What? I'm just culling the weak!  
  
_Meanwhile, Arikel is busy flirting with Ravnos_  
  
ARIKEL _(Giggling)_  
Wow, you used to date "Annoy-a"?  
Really? I went out with Abs!  
Was no doctor or a lawyer  
But he always paid the tabs  
  
_Absimiliard steps in, making hand gestures like a creepy dandy and holding roses in his hand_  
  
ABSIMILIARD _(Crooning at Arikel)_  
We meet again, my lady fair  
It must be fate, I say  
I beg, just let me touch your hair  
  
ARIKEL _(Chops him to pieces with Celerity, rolls her eyes)_  
And they call MY clan gay...  
  
_Set and the two Malkavs are still plotting. Set points at True Brujah and whispers something. Malkav #1 nods, walks to True Brujah and tugs on his sleeve_  
  
MALKAV #1  
Mr. True Brujah, sir. We'd like to discuss some canon issues concerning your clan.  
  
TRUE BRUJAH  
Yes. No doubt my cold rationality will help sort out any problems.  
  
MALKAV #2 _(Chilling smile)_  
Umm... Sure. Follow us.  
  
_They lead him in the back room. Lasombra looks at Saulot_  
  
LASOMBRA  
So... Why exactly are we here? You said you have a cunning plan.  
  
SAULOT  
I'm glad you asked...  
  
_He clears his throat_  
  
SAULOT  
You see, this entire "Jyhad" game  
Was getting really old and lame  
So we...  
  
CAPPADOCIUS _(Cutting him off)_  
Yes, we saw all the battles fought  
And all the plots, they stood for naught  
So we...  
  
SAULOT _(Pushes him aside, continues)_  
As I was saying, we have planned  
The one true victory for the damned  
So we...  
  
CAPPADOCIUS _(Trips Saulot, continues)_  
It is so cool, this thing we've done  
We'll take our revenge on The One  
So I...  
  
SAULOT _(Stands up, looks at Saulot)_  
I think you mean: "So we"?  
  
CAPPADOCIUS  
No, actually, I think I mean: "You're an assface!"  
  
SET _(Grinning maliciously)_  
Dissention in the ranks? Oh, my...  
  
CAPPADOCIUS _(Jabbing his finger in Saulot's chest)_  
It was MY idea you stole!  
My destiny to have the role  
The one redeemer of Caine's curse  
  
SAULOT _(Grabs the finger and breaks it)_  
Boo hoo, jerk, I got there first!  
  
CAPPADOCIUS _(Shinkicks Saulot)_  
I'm Vampire Jesus!  
  
SAULOT _(Pulls Cappadocius' beard)_  
No, I'm Vampire Jesus!  
  
_Suddenly a blinding light flashes in the room and a bearded man in a toga appears_  
  
GOD  
Let's settle this right here, shall we?  
He who dies first shall sit with me  
On the throne of alabaster...  
  
SAULOT & CAPPADOCIUS _(Enthusiastic)_  
We'll do it at once, oh Master!  
  
_They use their powers to implode into bloody pulp. The bearded man smiles serenely, and heavenly choirs sing. Everyone falls quiet, waiting for what comes next. Suddenly Ravnos starts to laugh_  
  
RAVNOS  
Oh boy! Hah! I can't believe they fell for it! They were all like: "We don't care about God!" but then I went: "God says kill yourself!" and they were like: "Whee! Sure thing!" Man! I'm a genious!  
  
VENTRUE _(Dryly)_  
Well, I'm glad *you've* cheered up. You do realize that now we won't find out about their plan? We're screwed.  
  
ENNOIA  
Not that I care about any of you fuckers, but we can ask True Brujah... Wasn't he in on it?  
  
TROILE _(Walking next to Ventrue)_  
I hate to say this, honey, but the bitch makes a good point. Where is that cold fish?  
  
_An inhuman scream comes from the back room. True Brujah returns, looking shocked_  
  
TRUE BRUJAH  
Malkavs tried to kill me! They said my powers were "unvampiric" and should be erased from canon!  
  
SET _(Looking innocent)_  
"Unvampiric"? Now that's just silly. Time travel is every bit as vampiric as Serpentis! So, what did you do?  
  
TRUE BRUJAH  
I used Temporis with other Disciplines to kill... Huh? _(Looks at his hands. They are dissolving)_ Aww, man. Stupid Revised Temporis! _(Bursts into a pile of ash)_  
  
_Ventrue walks to the window and looks out at the swirling red mist. He sighs heavily_  
  
VENTRUE  
Swell. Now what do we do?  
  
**END OF PART 1**  



	24. Act 13: Finale Part 2

**FINALE (Part 2)**  
or "Leadership issues"  
  
_The ranks of the Antediluvians have thinned. Saulot, Cappadocius and True Brujah had a masterplan, but sadly they died before anyone found out what it was. And now everyone is stuck inside a cathedral, with poisonous red mist swirling outside_  
  
ARIKEL  
Oh, the sheer drama and angst  
No longer is this very quaint  
Surrounded by enemies fangs  
I think that I'm going to faint!  
  
VENTRUE  
I can help the lot of you  
But follow my words to the letter!  
My leadership will see us through  
But we must work tog-_*Silence*_  
  
_Everyone quickly realizes what the silence means. They start looking for Haqim, and find him once again standing in a pile of ashes, this time where Tremere was_  
  
VENTRUE  
Seriously, H. Were you even listening?  
  
HAQIM  
_*Burp* _Yes yes. Work together. Very inspiring. Please, go on.  
  
_Troile wraps her arms around Ventrue_  
  
TROILE  
I think he has a point you know  
So far he's put on a good show  
Let's follow him, he's got some class  
If not... well, I can kick your ass!  
  
_Lasombra isn't impressed_  
  
LASOMBRA  
He always thinks that he knows best  
He always thinks his words are true  
_(To Ventrue)_  
Well guess what chief? Give it a rest  
'Cause I ain't doing shit for you!  
  
_Ventrue looks furious, but then gets a sneaky look on his face and calms down. He addresses Ennoia_  
  
VENTRUE  
Very well. The first part of my plan is that you must turn into a polar bear.  
  
ENNOIA _(Blank stare)_  
You've got to be kidding me.  
  
TROILE  
Do it, bitch! Or I'm-a rip you a new one.  
  
VENTRUE  
Now now, girls. Ennoia, just this once, *HUMOR ME*, will you?  
  
_Ennoia transforms into a polar bear before she even realizes what happened_  
  
VENTRUE _(Evil grin)_  
Perfect. Lasombra, look! A polar bear!  
  
LASOMBRA _(Whee!)_  
A polar bear! _(Runs to cuddle Ennoia)_  
  
VENTRUE  
Be careful, Ennoia. You wouldn't want to *KILL HIM* by accident.  
  
_Ennoia-bear rips Lasombra to shreds_  
  
VENTRUE  
Whoops. Hehe.  
  
ENNOIA  
You... You've fucked with my head for the last time!  
  
_She charges at Ventrue. Unfortunately, Tzimisce has chosen this exact moment to make his move. He leaps at her, transforming into a mass of tentacles in midair. They fall to the floor, retching and tossing around violently. Finally something else rises up_  
  
TZIMISCE/ENNOIA  
Cthulhu, eat your heart out! Tentacled polar bears are the way to go! _(Turns it's feelers towards Ventrue)_ Ya! Ya! Time to eat...  
  
VENTRUE  
Damn it, Tzim! I'm a warlord, not your lunch!  
  
_Ravnos has been entertaining Arikel with tall tales. Now he looks up and points at the cthulhoid monstrosity_  
  
RAVNOS _(Yawns)_  
Chimerstry 9: Mayaparisatya.  
  
_Tzimisce/Ennoia-amalgam blinks and is erased from reality_  
  
RAVNOS  
Boo-ya! Now why couldn't they have written this power *before* the Week of Nightmares? _(Looks at Ventrue, grins)_ Oh Ventrue...  
  
TROILE _(Stepping between them)_  
Don't even try, you-_*Silence*_  
  
_Silence falls everywhere. Ventrue mouths "Not again!" as Haqim grabs Troile from behind and diablerizes her. The silence ends_  
  
VENTRUE _(Angry)_  
That does it! _(Draws an ancient gladius)_ En Guarde!  
  
_Haqim draws twin scimitars_  
  
HAQIM _(Confident)_  
My chess-buddy Mithras told  
Me what I now require  
For my tutelage he sold  
The weakness of his Sire  
  
_Haqim attacks Ventrue, but the ancient warlord decapitates him easily_  
  
VENTRUE _(Shrugs)_  
Mithras? He was really wild  
He could raise all kinds of hells  
Sadly though, he's not my Childe.  
"Veddartha" must be someone else  
  
_He wipes his Gladius clean_  
  
RAVNOS  
Where were we? Oh yes. _(Snaps his fingers)_  
  
_Ventrue goes "Oh fu-" and blinks out of existence. Set looks at Ravnos with a cunning smile_  
  
SET  
Well well... It appears you hold all the cards now. I suppose I'll go "blink" next. After all, only Arikel's left besides us and you could hardly slay such an exquisite lady...   
  
_As Set speaks, he places his hand on Arikel's shoulder and activates Serpentis 10: Mark of Damnation. She screams as her features melt into something unspeakably wrong..._  
  
SET _(Overacting)_  
OH MY GOD! Look, Ravnos! It's Samuel Haight!  
  
RAVNOS  
It's hideous! Make it go away!  
  
_Almost as a reflex, he erases poor Arikel_  
  
RAVNOS  
But wait... _(Realizes)_ You!  
  
_Set and Ravnos stare each other down. Ravnos smiles and begins to concentrate, provoking a worried look from Set. The tension is abruptly cut by Ferox, who begins laughing_  
  
RAVNOS  
He's staked! He can't do that! _(Looks at Set)_ Can he do that?  
  
FEROX  
You blind fools... He has seen enough! _(Insane giggle)_ Game over, my friends! Rocks fall... Everyone dies!  
  
_He bursts to white flames and is reduced to ashes in mere seconds_  
  
RAVNOS  
OK, the mad Gargoyle died. Jolly good. Now where were...  
  
SET _(Cutting him off)_  
Look.  
  
_Ravnos looks out the window. The outside world is disintegrating, vanishing into thin air. Trees, people, buildings, everything_  
  
SET  
Please tell me *you're* doing this...  
  
RAVNOS  
I'm not!  
  
_The cathedral's walls begins to vanish. Ravnos looks at Set and sees he is already climbing up the altar curtains. Ravnos shakes his head, but as the floor starts to go, he decides that climbing up may be a good idea, after all_  
  
SET  
Let go of my foot, you pranking Prehistoric Gypsy Yama-king!  
  
_He kicks Ravnos in the face. As Ravnos falls into the white oblivion, Set realizes something. He laughs_  
  
SET  
I won! I'm the last!  
  
_The curtain melts away under his hands. He falls through the void, dissolving into nothingness, laughing maniacally_  
  
SET  
I'm the god emperor of the world! I... am... the...  
  
_Then, nothing remains._  



	25. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**  
  
_Somewhere in the vast reaches of infinity, YHWH, the vengeful Old Testament god who rules over the World of Darkness, is enjoying some quality time with his favorite person_  
  
YHWH  
What a mess. Next time your brother approaches you with a bright idea, do me a favor and just... dodge. OK, Abel?  
  
_Abel chuckles_  
  
ABEL  
Sure, boss. To be fair though, how was he supposed to know that the concept of "killing" worked on humans, too?  
  
YHWH  
Meh. All this nonsense. The whole universe and all. I did them a favor, really, ending it all. _(Sneers)_ Clueless bastards.  
  
ABEL  
They didn't exactly catch on quickly, did they?  
  
_YHWH huffs_  
  
YHWH  
The very fabric of reality was unraveling, but they just ignored all inconsistencies! Not to mention all the retconning... _(Shakes head)_ How could everyone miss the fact that history just *changed* sometimes?  
  
ABEL  
Well, everyone except Malkav.  
  
YHWH _(Sigh)_  
The poor boy tried so hard to make it all fit. Now wonder he lost it.  
  
ABEL  
So, does this mean the World of Darkness is gone?  
  
YHWH  
Gone? I should hope not! No, actually I'm recreating the whole thing...  
  
ABEL  
Really? Can I help?  
  
YHWH  
Let's see... How would you like to be the progenitor of vampires?  
  
ABEL _(Musing)_  
Well, "Abelites" does have a certain ring to it...   
  
_A flea jumps on Abel's shoulder_   
  
FLEA  
Beware me! I'm the god of darkness! The victor of Gehenna! Free crack for everyone!  
  
_Abel shudders and squishes it. YHWH and Abel exchange a meaningful look. Then, as if triggered by some invisible signal, they both burst out laughing. A cheery acoustic tune starts as the camera slowly zooms out from the laughing pair. Red curtains close, and giant letters in gold and silver appear_  
  
**THE END**  



End file.
